BloggerNacle DEATHMATCH:Round 1 Results

Vince McMahon: Wow, what an action packed night! Great fights, real drama, and a lot of blood! The popcorn was fresh too.

Randy Savage: I tell you what, there would have been a lot more blood if I got into the ring with that rat pack of sissies! Where did they get these girls from? Saint Mary's Catholic Boarding School?

Snarker: Yes, Vince, very impressive, especially that last fight! Always the best for last.

VM: Sure is. Snarker, why don't you summarize the fights for us?

S: Glad to, Vince!

The more polite and engaging version of Adam clearly was beaten down by the more vigorous Defender of the Faith version. It was a close match, but the contention-seasoned Adam held the upper hand.



I thought this was going to be a bloodless match with the way it started, but when Ronan lost his temper over Wilfried's football comment and rushed him for it, it was all over. Wilfried's artful sidestepping of the corner post really was beautiful. I thought Brits were supposed to bleed blue, but apparently not.



First girl fight of the night turned out to be pretty good! There were a lot of punishing shots traded, but once Julie pulled out her "Don't Mess With Texas" clothesline, it was all over for Melissa. The crowd did find her grandstanding over the win to be a little too much though.



This was the first real bloodletting of the night, a real grudge match. A lot of dirty fighting, but ultimately Rusty and GST prevailed when they both illegally jumped into the ring, pantsed DKL in his Third Reich uniform, and then finished him off with a double elbow smash. Double ouch. Arnold's pleas for intervention went unheeded to a referee who clearly wasn't a Nazi sympathizer.



David made a quick recovery from the previous match though, and went toe to toe with Daniel in an ugly and vicious shouting match that left the front two rows covered in frothy spit. But, Daniel's attempt to summon the ghost of Nibley to aid him failed, and David tore into him for it. I have to say David's big move was impressive, I mean nobody saw how he got the Collected Works of Hugh Nibley into the ring, but lofting it over Daniel's head and dropping it was a sight to behold. But, the fight left him drained...



...and when he had to square off against Rosalynde "Black Widow" Welch he didn't have a chance. Rosalynde delivered punishing criticism after stinging rebuke in her inimitably polite fashion. A real bludgeoning if there ever was one. I have never seen a man cry like that. Once his vision was blurred by tears, Rosalynde's patented Spider Bite knee cap smash finished him off and left him a quivering mass on the mat. Harsh, but well deserved. I heard several of the ring side audience members had to go to First Aid for shattered ear drums after the Black Widow's double fist-pumping victory scream.



Another grudge match here, clearly there were simmering hostilities that broke loose once the bell rang. But, JMW's puppets were a real liability as Steve "I AM NOT JENN" Evans proved he wasn't a woman by delivering repeated combinations to the frog puppet's head and body. Everyone knew it was all over when the googly eyes tore off and the stuffing came out all over the ring. What a mess! Steve's putting the stuffing on JMW's head and then shouting "How do you like that for wintertime, HUH!?!" was an impressive move. Rumor has it the eyes were recovered by an audience member who has them up for auction on eBay.



Wilfried again returned to the ring and was victorious over his opponent. The only completely bloodless, and even sweat free, match of the night was still not without controversy. The mild-mannered convesation turned ugly when danithew resorted to less-than-entirely-complimentary innuendo suggesting Wilfried's English was less than ideal, and when Wilfried pointed this slip out, danithew's red-faced hasty and heartfelt apology ended the round with a TKO. Judges ruled afterwards that the innuendo was allowable, but danithew ceded the match on the grounds that he should never have used it, regardless of the rules, as it was in bad taste.



This match was one to behold! All those angry women! You would think the Mormon Mommy Warriors would have been more skilled at fighting given their name, but the Feminist Mormon Housewives clearly were trading well-placed punches for sissy slaps. It was all over when TMILisa emptied a bag of Lindor mint truffles onto the mat from ringside, distracting all the MWWriors as they grabbed for the rolling chocs, giving the FMHers the chance to gain the upper hand with some punishing head shots and kidney punches. The fight was called when all of the children of the MWWriors were screeching and crying for Mommy so loud, nobody could stand it anymore. But, that was nothing compared to the final, and best, fight of the night!



Wow, when Steve EM came into the ring, nobody could believe their eyes. The audience went wild at the way Steve shook his huge beer belly like a sumo. We knew it would be a big, big fight right there. Then Boyd K. Packer came into the ring and crowd went nuts! Boyd slipped out of his robe and warmed up like a pro with some shadow boxing. When the bell rang, it was the fight of the night! Steve rushed Boyd shouting obscenities and death threats while Boyd handily dodged every charge. When Steve was exhausted from the exertion, doubled over, huffing and puffing, Boyd walked over to him and told him he needed to repent. Steve completely lost his mind and, frothing at the mouth, charged him again, only to slip on his own spit on the mat, flip backwards and knock himself stupid. The Angry Mormon then rushed into the ring, bringing a folding chair with him, and tried to hit Boyd with it. He adroitly dodged TAM's swing, and the chair ended up smashing Steve EM's skull open. The referee called the match, TAM was arrested, and Steve was pronounced DOA at the hospital. Wow, what a mess that was.

VM: So there you have it folks! The First Annual Bloggernacle Deathmatch, complete with death and gore. Tune in tomorrow for the Second Deathmatch battle of Elimination!

S: Randy, can I have your autograph?

RS: That's Mr. Savage to you, you emaciated little doggie!