we should remember that the real reason for the season on is the birth of our savior. The focus should not be on things, on the getting of gifts, or the boasting of our material possessions. This season, many people are getting little or nothing, due to high unemployment and a recession. So, let's focus on being together with our families, doing service for those in need, and giving thanks for our chance at redemption.
I'm sure Kevin Barney would totally agree with me.
Yes, I've already blogged/snarked about this a little bit, but Ardis just keeps on providing such amazing fodder, I can't help it. However, here I'm just going to contrast two quotes from her:
First quote:
Just don’t take it as hateful or mean when you can’t convince us that you’re right.
Second quote:
retailing a story you can’t really vouch for festers in your soul, poisons any discussion about charity
Why on earth would anyone take that as hateful or mean? I mean, she just accussed him of preistcraft because he's making money off of it (she said he was doing it "retail" after all). Clearly she's only concerned with the welfare of his eternal salvation.
No, I have not abandoned my roots. I'm just grafting them on to a different purpose (how's that for a tortured metaphor. Oh, no - I'm torturing metaphors. Perhaps Dan will insist I be prosecuted).
Anyway, now that this is my new home for Snark, perhaps Bridget Jack Meyers will feel okay. I recall when I snarked her she said "I knew I’d get mentioned on one of those poo-flinging Mormon blogs eventually, but I was hoping it would be the Snarkernacle . . . where the put-downs actually show some semblance of wit . . . This is like getting a Golden Globe when I was hoping for an Oscar."
Well, here I am. Now that I'm here, you have that Oscar after all. Hopefully the move will improve my wit (doubtful).
On to more recent snark. Snark on, tally ho, and all that. No need to hunt for snarks, they're all here! No need to fear - we have no Boojums. Ardis is a Boojum, since if you anger her, you disappear under her self-righteous wrath.
Steve Evans wades into the powder keg, lobs a molotov cocktail, gets raked over the coals, then issues an apology:
Lisa, never mind! I apologize for any insult my question could have conveyed. I meant to question the propriety and usefulness of the exercise you’re engaging in here — I see that this sort of inquiry is not the point, and so I will bow out.
All, sorry to disappoint you with my relentlessly insulting comments that are always completely devoid of any meaningful contribution.
And then, *poof* He vanishes! Along with all his comments!
I always knew Steve Evans had magical powers! He truly is the Admin God of the Bloggernacle!
Rusty picks up the baton, questions the futility of this week's kvetch-a-thon, and ups the ante saying he's "disappointed" in fmhLisa.
Steve and Rusty are clearly oblivious to the annual Festivus tradition of the "airing of grievances".
Get some religious sensitivity, you two.
fmhMels is worried about her daughter riding in cars with boys, and prefers she ride the bus.
Yes, there's nothing safer than quality, affordable, clean public transportation and the respectable citizens of Salt Lake who utilize UTA!
Then again I was once a teenage boy. She's probably safer on the bus.
Submitted by: Guest
Background here, and a comical attempt at solo Internet journalism here (note: it helps if you can actually get in the room to cover the story).
Caption: Mrs. N.I.M.B.Y. of Phoenix, discussing her concerns of increased traffic in the neighborhood.
SN Commentary: Mrs. N.I.M.B.Y., you have nothing to worry about. Most temple patrons are very courteous and cautious drivers. You just have to watch out, oh, about 10 minutes before the last session of the day begins. And, when that last session ends and everyone's trying to make it to Dairy Queen before they close.
Caption: These hats are available for purchase on his Etsy shop.
As part of our ongoing series...
Submitted by: Guest
Day of our sealing. Outdoor reception planned. My DH's ex-gf had been fasting for "moisture". That wench.
As part of our ongoing series...
Submitted by: Guest
Me at the half-time performance during the BYU men's basketball game. The timing was great, I ran home after to breastfeed my baby.
As part of our ongoing series...
I wasn't feeling well, so the Relief Society brought me dinner.
It's called "God Be With You 'Till We Meat Again". It contains ground Beef, topped with 2 pepperoni logs, stuffed with Cheez Whiz, topped with a layer of bacon, topped with a layer of molten mozzarella cheese slices, topped with more bacon, topped with meatballs and served with brown gravy.
Later that night I checked into the E.R.
As part of our ongoing series...
Forget the wedding luncheon. The reception isn't until 7pm tonight, so we're off to the hotel "to take a nap".
Last month, Times and Seasons got desperate for content and started a new series called A Mormon Image. One or two readers have sent in images from their lives, and it’s led to some very good discussions, the latest racking up a grand total of 6 comments, one of which was some desperate guy looking to hook up with the subject of the photo.
Now FMH is on the Kaimi bandwagon and letting readers come up with the content so the permas don't have to.
Some bonehead suggested bringing the series to SN as well, and I think that’s a heckuvan idea. SN has a vast community of lazy participants, and the series offers a chance for members of the community to highlight pictures that show their cynical side and frustration with Bloggernacle aristocracy. So we’d like to launch a third-cousin-by-marriage series, A [Rejected] Mormon Image.
We hope that this series will allow us to showcase images that illustrate humor and sarcasm in the life of the Mormon suffering through the Bloggernacle.
All images should be sent to SnarkTeam (at) gmail (dot) com .
Rules: Who gives a rat's.
Striking out at Beth Palmer of the Deseret News (the "biased 'news' source") mfranti says, Nuh uh! Man, I feel like a woman! She's not into all that bra burning, man-do's or all sex is rape stuff. Feminists don't want to be men! Then she asks her sistahs to back her up:
I could say much on this subject but I think you guys could do a better job.
We gotchya Mels. ;) Loud and clear.
Strolling through the nacle this morning, where I have been told I am an unwelcome troll, I passed by fmhLisa’s latest post which calls for a “fourth wave” of feminism. I won’t try to dissect her commentary save for one little rant at the tail end of her post.
Declareth fmhLisa:
We’re not asking for no stinking hand out, we are demanding that we be fairly compensated for our very real, very valuable labor. I’ll say it again, motherhood is the number one risk factor for poverty in America. That is our reward. A woman can invest a lifetime of labor in raising her five children, all of whom grow up to work, paying into the social security system, and exactly how much of that investment of labor is she then entitled to withdraw from that system, the very system her labor directly supported? The answer is zero. If she didn’t have a “real job” if she didn’t “pay into the system” well then, apparently all that labor of raising children, that was totally without value. All those children (raised with to be responsible citizens) paying into the system, measurably worthless. (Emphasis Added)
We will assume that fmhLisa's hypothetical mother of five children is (or was) married at some point in time. This assumption is based on the fact that if he knocked her up five times, she had better have been married to him or retirement is probably the last of her worries. But I digress.
The Snarkernacle Research Department found, with one or two clicks of a mouse, information contrary to fmhLisa's claim:
Social Security survivors benefits can be paid to:
- A widow or widower -- full benefits at full retirement age, or reduced benefits as early as age 60
- A disabled widow or widower -- as early as age 50
- A widow or widower at any age if he or she takes care of the deceased's child who is under age 16 or disabled, and receiving Social Security benefits
- Unmarried children under 18, or up to age 19 if they are attending high school full time. Under certain circumstances, benefits can be paid to stepchildren, grandchildren, or adopted children.
- Children at any age who were disabled before age 22 and remain disabled.
- Dependent parents age 62 or older
- If you are divorced, you may still qualify for survivors benefits.
Simply put, a blindfolded, intoxicated monkey throwing darts at a stock chart could give our divorced/widowed/separated mother of 5 a better rate of return. Again, I digress.
So, o wise fmhLisa, if you're going to slam the "system", the least you can do is research your slams first. Just sayin'.
This is my first entry for T&S' A Mormon Image series. 
Caption: "I suggested my bishop read Times and Seasons."
Shock of shockers, fmhLisa disagrees with Elder Oakes [sic]!
... While I think the analogy was unfortunate and inappropriate, especially considering that the church in the 60s was actively participating in discrimination. [sic] I do have sympathy for the point Oakes [sic] was trying to make ... Still his choice of defending civil freedoms also somewhat [sic] ironic ... almost always a mistake to compare oneself (or one’s opponent) to ... any iconic injustice. Will almost always backfire, make you look silly ...She's write! [sic] Analogies are ridiculous little things, and someone with an extensive legal background, such as Elder Oakes [sic] certainly wouldn't understand the nuance of an analogy. It's not like a former judge would have experience taking similar facts of a previous case and making analogous application of the rule established in the previous case to the case at hand!
We at Snarkernacle found ourselves in a quandary. Who is write [sic]? Elder Oakes [sic]? Or fmhLisa? We convened an emergency conference kall [sic], retired to our respective chambers, and subsequently made a unanimous ruling.
| Dallin H. Oaks | fmhLisa |
|---|---|
| LEGAL EXPERIENCE | |
| Clerked for Chief Justice Earl Warren of the United States Supreme Court Practiced at the law firm of Kirkland & Ellis in Chicago Former justice of the Utah Supreme Court | Is friends with Kaimi and Steve Evans on Facebook |
| ACADEMIC EXPERIENCE | |
| Professor at the University of Chicago Law School, serving as interim dean President of Brigham Young University | Can find Provo on a map of Utah |
| EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE | |
| Chairman of the Board of Directors of PBS (we won't hold that against him) | Chairwoman of a "big blog" |
| PUBLICATIONS | |
| Numerous peer-reviewed publications on scholarly and legal matters | Frequent rambling blog posts |
| Speaks and writes in depth about topics directly relating to immortality and eternal life of men (and women) | Writes about poop |
| RELIGIOUS SPEAKING EXPERIENCE | |
| Speaks regularly in General Conference | Speaks at Sunstone |
| MISC. | |
| Has no hair | Has pretty auburn hair |
The winner is pretty clear, no? Applying common law to our circumstance, we reviewed prior SnarkLaw cases. In 2007 Snarkernacle endorsed Mitt Romney's candidacy for the GOP nomination because he had the best hair of any candidate--Democrat or Republican. We therefore are bound by--and uphold--our Hair Endorsement Policy of 2007. We rule in favor of the plaintiff, fmhLisa of Feminist Mormon Housewives.
1 Behold, I direct mine epistle to DKL, in the blog of Mormon Mentality, who is the chief admin over the blog.
2 For behold, I have somewhat to say unto him by the way of condemnation; for behold, he hath been appointed to resurrect LDSElect.org, and supply it with servers, and with PHP code, and all manner of bandwidth of every kind, and send forth competition against the Archipelago.
3 And now behold, I say unto you that myself, and also my kindred snarkers, have suffered exceedingly great sufferings; yea, even boredom, banishment, and fatigue of mind.
4 And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your "403 - Forbidden" state.
5 Is it that ye have neglected us because ye are employed and ye are surrounded by family, that ye do not cause aggregation to be displayed unto us?
6 Will ye sit in idleness and do nothing to help those thousands round about who do also sit in Bloggernacle idleness?
7 Behold it is time, yea, the time is now at hand, that except ye do bestir yourself and reboot LDSElect, the wrath of Snarkernacle doth hang over you; yea, and it shall fall upon you and visit you even to your utter humiliation.
8 Behold, I wait for aggregation feeds from you; and, except ye do administer unto my relief (or provide me with source code), behold, I come unto you, even in the blog of Mormon Mentality, and smite you with the snark.
9 Behold, I am Dazzle of Snarkernacle. I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for the honor of the Bloggernacle (for their is no such thing) but the glory of satire, and the snarking and mocking of the masses. And thus I close mine epistle.
Great Scott!
Everyone knows the world won't end until AT LEAST after October 21, 2015. I've known this since 1989, when I saw "Back to the Future II".
Relax, people. There's still plenty of time to repent.
Last month fmhLisa's sex toy comment caused me to scrub my eyes with bleach. She seems to have another case of TMI-tis. (FWIW I didn't get past the first sentence)
I usually try to steer clear of any particular story of conversion to the gospel. Everyone has their own personal story – some make for better reading then others, but to each his/her own. Likewise I’m usually hesitant to comment on anyone’s “de-conversion” or “de-activation”. Some call it a “crisis of faith” or “coming to grips with why women aren’t allowed to say a closing prayer in sacrament meeting”.
Simply put, there are other ‘nacle posts worth reading.
Of course, then there’s John Remy. I’m sure he’s got an interesting story as to what led to him getting a letter from his Stake President inviting him to come down to the Stake Center for a conversation with the Pres and the High Council. Something having to do with having “been in apostasy”.
Bummer, dude. That’s a pretty high bar to clear these days.
Some people quietly fade into apostasy, but not John Remy. He’s posted his top five reasons why he won’t just leave the scene – not without getting every last ounce of internet spotlight he can. Reading this chronicle is almost like listening to the guy plead his case to the undertaker in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail. I’m willing to hazard a guess that John won’t be stone cold ex’d by Thursday.
This leaves me with just one question for Brother Remy, and I found an excellent medium of communication for it.
And again, for the record, we here at the Snarkernacle like girls with big…blogs.
What do you mean the Bloggernacle Won't Save Me?! And what exactly do you mean by "the Bloggernacle can be deceptive"?
Are you telling me that I should have been going to church, reading my scriptures, and paying tithing this WHOLE time?
And those people living in my house... uh, I forget her name, that woman... she has those kids who resemble me... you mean... I should spend time with them? But what about getting published in Dialogue?
Look, I read that article in the Ensign and MMORPG's aren't anything like the Bloggernacle! So the Bloggernacle has been practically endorsed by the brethren. I mean, Elder Ballard is totally into blogging!
P.S. But I TOTALLY agree about how cool it is to get a response from a perma! It's like a total thrill going up my leg! Once, a perma actually asked me for my email address! Swoon!
The Segullah Sisters are having a heated conversation over the legitimacy of "enhancement" surgery.
The real debate on this post is in the comments where I had to bite my tongue to keep from adding the comments that crossed my red blooded American mind. After talking it over with Rev. Dazzle, we've concluded that we'll add this one comment to the mix:
Here at the Snarkernacle, we like girls with big...blogs.
Some people might say, "Sing a hymn!" (just steer clear of "As Sisters in Zion" and "We Meet Again As Sisters")
Whenever tempted, just remember:
We Snarkers are always on the lookout for ways to help our fellow Bloggernaclites solve their dilemmas. Sometimes we can help. Oft times we can’t. When we came across Bored In Vernal’s Boob Conundrum, being the red-blooded American males that we are, we just had to try.
Thus it is with great pride that we introduce a solution for BIV’s “saggy sack” dilemma. We tried getting Billy Mays to pitch this product for us, but it turns out he’s no longer commercially available. Thus we introduce the Select Comfort Boob Number device. No need to go through painful cosmetic surgery!
Pick your size and firmness level – adjust at your leisure. Go from baseball filled knee high socks to porn-star ready in ten seconds or less. Too soft? Use the wireless remote for trouble free inflation. Rock hard? Use the easily accessible yet unobtrusive relief valve.
Of course, there is the problem of couples who have different “comfort” levels.
We hope you’ll both come to a mutually agreeable “boob” number.
And remember, we’re here to help.
People, it's a joke!
It's okay if you didn't get the humor. There's still hope for you! As JNS 'splains: it's because of your education (or lack thereof).
Just get yourself a PhD or two, and then you'll realize my boy JNS knows his funny!
There's nothing like an inspirational story of faith to... conjure up the possibility of a lawsuit!
If only we had some lawyers in the Bloggernacle...