The Snarker listening posts have again picked up some chatter in the Bloggernacle. As near as we can tell, it emanates from FMH'er Rebecca who, unbeknownst to us before, sings as she blogs.
The recording is scratchy, but the tune resembles a famous 80's tune originally performed by Huey Lewis & The News.
[Begin Transcript]
I want some new G’s
Ones that make me look *Phat*
Maybe ones with a built in Bra
Just as long as I don’t look flat.
I want some new G’s
Some that won’t chafe!
Some that help me fit in my jeans
And don’t come with lace.
Ones that won't drive me crazy
Riding up all day!
Ones that stay right in place
when I kneel down to pray...
I kneel dowwwwn to pray.
I want some new G’s
Ones that don’t bind…
Some that won’t slide around my knees,
And to my figure are kind.
I want some new g's
Ones that won't make me sweat
Ones made of some nice fabric,
Ones that won't put me in debt.
Ones that won't drive me crazy
Riding up all day!
Ones that stay right in place
when I kneel down to pray...
I kneel dowwwwn to pray.
[End Transcript]
Well, Artemis, FMH goddess of fertility, is sure to be pleased! You have Clark and Julie fully embracing the worldly Gentile heathen traditions like a couple of regular pagans. So when is the pilgramage to Stonehenge, you two? Holy fetchin heck!
Hey, how about more stuff like Brandolyn's , huh? Ever occur to you people to maybe have a Passover Seder and then explain how at the Last Supper Jesus changed that into the Sacrament, and then did the same thing a year later in the New World with the Nephites too? No, no, not enough pastel pink and blue dyed eggs, fake plastic grass and marshmallow peeps.
Yeah, now that is more like it!
As you know the NCAA final four championship games will be this Saturday, April 1, beginning at 5PM CT. One assumes that the GMU/Florida game will be over in time for a fast drive over to the nearest satellite-equiped chapel to see the Priesthood session of conference.
The next game is the problem. It will mostly be on during conference! Do you have any advice, Aunt Snarky? Do the bigwigs in Salt Lake consider the ramifications of the conference schedule? Who should one contact at church headquarters to remedy this situation?
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Final4 lurkernacle
Dear Final4 lurkernacle,
When you speed over to the Priesthood Session, make sure you drive carefully and don't get in an accident. Safe driving is everyone's responsibility! Crashing into the Stake President, since he will be pulling into the parking lot the same time you are, will make getting a Temple Recommend difficult!
As for the Sunday session, well, all I can tell you is you need to get your priorities straight! Go out and get a TiVo! Then you can record General Conference and watch it after the game is over. Now, I don't want to sit here and lecture you on violating the Sabbath, because it looks like you are already determined to do that, and I would never encourage anyone to do that, but since you are already there, Dear Old Aunt Snarky may as well do the most good she can do!
You know, they played basketball last year, and will play it again next year, so it isn't like you are going to miss anything. Not that General Conference really changes all that much from year to year, since Mormons don't really listen to them from year to year anyway. So, yeah, just keep disregarding the admonitions of our leaders and watch your silly basketball games, and doom the rest of us to another repeat in six months because you don't do your Home Teaching because it conflicts with Baseball seasons or have Family Home Evening since it conflicts with Monday Night Football.
And remember, you can always try to justify watching basketball instead of General Conference by using sports analogies for life and the gospel in Elder's Quorum next week.
Aunt Snarky
In an effort to maintain community within the Bloggernacle, the T&S powers-that-be have launched T&SSingles.com
The first happy couple to be united via the groundbreaking site are Crystal and T&S tempobore John David "House of" Payne. The T&SSingles.com homepage explains the following:
"Some sites waste time and Internet bandwidth needlessly collecting information about your personality, likes, and preferences. We simply find two people within a reasonable driving distance and... Voila! Hook-ups galore!"
However, it should be noted that one must own a vehicle with locking doors and should possess enough grammatical knowledge to differentiate between a simile and a metaphor.
File under: Special requests
[Ed. - It isn't all that often that people approach us and ask to be snarked, but it does happen from time to time. Hellmut Lotz was put out that there was controversy about trolls here at the SN and he wasn't involved. We offered to rectify the situation by snarking him, and he accepted the offer. For those who may not know Hellmut, he is a German's German, an ardent secularist, writes on his own blog, and is a co-blogger on a tangentially related blog, occasionally comments on the Nacle and also frequents ex-mo boards. If you aren't familiar with ex-mo terminology you might want to refer to this.]
Welcome to the Bloggernacle Opera House unlive nonpodcast, brought to you today by our sponsor: Drakes Cakes, formulating and fabricating delicious Devil Dogs for you and your children to savour the flavour foravour. Like Moon Pies, but long and skinny, like a daschund.
Today's event features the Wagnerian uber German timeless classic:
[Curtain raises, scenes of Elmer directing a storm.]- The Flying Dutchman
overture - general opera recitative-style music
(Elmer) Be very quiet I'm hunting morgbots - Ride of the Valkyries from The Valkyries:
(E) Morgbot tracks!!!
(E) Kill the morgbot, kill the morgbot, kill the morgbot
(E) Yo ho to oh! Yo ho to oh! Yo ho...
- Siegfried's Horn Call from the Ring Cycle:
(Bugs) O mighty warrior who clearly hates BYU
(B) Might I enquire to ask, eh, what's up DAMU??
(E) I'm going to kill the morgbot!! - Ride of the Valkyries
(B) Oh mighty warrior t'will be quite a task
(B) How will you do it, might I enquire to ask?? - Siegfried's Horn Call - General recit. music:
(E) I will do it with my spear and magic Hellmut!
(B) Your spear and magic Hellmut?
(E) Spear & magic Hellmut!
(B) Magic Hellmut?
(E) Magic Hellmut!
(B) Magic Hellmut
(E) Yes, magic Hellmut and I'll give you a sample
[Elmer gives a sample of his power] - Flying Dutchman overture
(B) Bye
(E) (that was the morgbot)
[Chase scene] - General chase music - Overture to Tannhauser:
[Bugs appears, dressed as PostMormon, riding on a white horse. Elmer is stupefied.]
(E) Oh PostMormon, you're so lovely
(B) Yes I know it, I can't help it
(E) Oh PostMormon, be my love
[Ballet scene] - Bachanal from Tannhauser - Tannhauser Overture:
(E) Return my love, my anger burns deep inside me
(B) Return my love, I fear you always beside me
(E) Ardor like ours must be
(B) Made for you and for me
(B&E) Return, won't you return my love, for my love is yours
[Winged helmet disguising Bugs falls off, Elmer realizes he has been duped, Bugs flees]
- Ride of the Valkyries:
(E) I'll kill the morgbot
(E) Arise polygamy
(E) Blacks and the Priesthood blow, Women and the Priesthood blow
(E) Patriarchy, Word of Wisdom, Gay Marriage...Mountain Meadow Massacre!
(E) Pseudo-intellectual rhetoric! Strike the morgbot!
- Tannhauser overture:
[Lightning strikes Bugs in the distance, Elmer approaches]
(E) What have I done?? I've killed the morgbot....
(E) Poor little zoobie, poor little morgbot...
[Elmer walks away carrying Bugs in his arms] -Tannhauser overture
(B) (well what did you expect in an opera, a temple wedding???)
[Curtain drops to overwhelming cyber-applause]
Snarkernacle Industries LTD would like to thank our special guest sponsors for footing the bill for this extravagant, action-filled operatic masterpiece:
Dark Helmet, for donating much-needed Schwartz to the DAMU
With the revelation that Armand Mauss, and other "old school" Mormon scholars (i.e., ones who actually get things into print) might actually be reading this Bloggery Tabernacle something or other on the shiny white box with the glowing television-like screen that gets plugged into the wall, a flurry of posts immediately hit the Nacle. Coincidence? Hrrrrrmmmm. Uh huh.
Oh, and did I mention I got to have dinner with Armand Mauss? Me. Yes. I did. Mmmm hmmm. Thats right. Oh yeah. Work it. I had to offer to pick up the tab, but, hey, it was so worth it. Yeah, call me, Armand baby, you got my digits.
UPDATE: Just to prove the Snarkette totally hit the nail on the head with this one, we have this recent post on Elijah Abel, which contains nothing new or original and 75% of which is a quote of some other source. Boy, now there is a coincidence if there ever was one! Sheesh, why not just post "Armand Mauss I Heart U" and then put up an annotated bibilography of everything he ever published, pointing out you own everything he has ever committed to print. Why does T&S get so many hits? Because of the great content.
File under: Free Bloggernacle Tour
For all those gingerly poking around the Bloggernacle for the first time, welcome! Here's a quick guided tour — just follow the links. There are three big blogs, but soon there will be only one since one of them is near death and the other is senescent and afflicted with navel gazing, and will die of starvation once they run out of guest bloggers.
The presenters were Nate and Kaimi, of The Great and Spacious Blog, and Caroline of Exponent II, which is the blog Feminist Mormon Housewives wants to be but cannot because of all the dirty talk and recipes. Other blogs referred to by name in Kaimi's presentation include Tales From the Crib, a great place for bewbie banter, and Mormon Mentality's version of the New and Everlasting Mormon Archipelago (not a blog; an all-seeing eye of Horus that beholds all posts from all Bloggernacle blogs that wish to be beheld, so its more of a selectively all-seeing eye, omniscient but only in a decidedly limited way), another favorite of Kaimi & Nate since it put them back in Box 1 after being demoted from being a Big Island to a non-descript shoal at the True and Faithful Mormon Archipelago. But wait, there's more!
At the meeting I attended, representatives of other blogs were also in attendance: Heather from Mormon Mommy Wars (a boring grrl blog that cannot decide whether they want to be Faithful Mormon Housewives or edgy bloggers) and Carrie from Tales From the Crib (an unboring grrl blog). The three presenters talked about what they think the Bloggernacle is; how posts and discussion at Mormon blogs are largely so unoriginal in content they rely on journals, magazines, or conferences for talking points; and how some blogs focus on LDS women's issues, from very bad temple experiences to sex talk (Lesson: sex sells) to mother in heaven to circumcision to babying your whiney immature husband and party tips. I might post in response to specific thoughts of the presenters later this week, if I get bored enough and run out of toenails to clip.
Handy Abbreviations for those eager to be insiders: "Bloggernacle" is often shortened to "Nacle", or "BM"...errrr...typo there...supposed to be "BN". The major blogs likewise have short forms that are generally used in blog conversation: T&S, BCC, M0 (for Millennial Black Hole, the one noted as near death above), FMH, MA, DMI, and so forth. Standard online conversational acronyms like IMHO (in my humble opinion - meaning "I am not humble and this is not an opinion, its a fact and you are an idiot to not believe it"), FWIW (for what it's worth - meaning "I know you are going to ignore this because you are horribly arrogant but I cannot refrain from stating the obvious truth"), and TMI (too much information - meaning "the simple fact that you reveal such private details of you life into a public forum, even anonymously, shows you need a lobotomy, or heavy sedation at the very least") also appear from time to time. Other useful acronyms for noobs trying to ingratiate themselves on the BM is ILYSMYAB (I love you so much, you are brilliant), SBIADYS (stunningly brilliant, in awe at the depth of your scholarship) and ROFLMAO (meaning "rolling on floor laughing my [head] off" when in the context of a joke or in the context of an argument it means "I cannot respond intelligently to you, because doing so mean admitting I am wrong, so I will now change the topic by resorting to personal attacks").
The lack of quality represented by BM blogs is difficult for newcomers to initially tolerate — thoughtful, intelligent discussion free of political slant and self-promoting pedantry is not exactly the hallmark of the Bloggernacle. I think the degree of evident contention says something about the BM and about blogging in general (I'm not sure exactly what it says, but I'm sure it's not good). There are all kinds of blogs, and they are all pretty much the same recycled rubbish from year to year: women & priesthood, blacks & priesthood, word of wisdom/hot soup/caffiene/danish beer, patriarchal authoritarianism, polygamy, politics & religion, evolution versus creation, blahdy blah blah blah....and since there are a disproportionate number of lawyers throw in legal stuff and how it relates to the gospel via really bad analogies (RBAs) although most of those appear to have been exhausted so they are less common now, mercifully and justly.
Despite all this contentious fodder, conversations in the comments are generally friendly and pleasant, especially when the heavy hand of moderating out dissenting voices and trolling hate mongers is applied. Learning how to argue mindlessly about religious ideas in a trivial fashion with those who look at things quite differently takes little effort and practice, so most people do just that. [Hint: impulsively dash off angry rhetoric and hit the Submit button just before going to bed.] I suppose the resulting virtue (for those who persevere) might be tolerance, but that really is just wishful thinking.
More in a couple of days, if the BM doesn't implode.