If anyone knows danithew personally, it is time for the Nacle to stage an intervention. We just cannot let this guy keep hitting the hard stuff like this. We need to help out our Nacle brother and get him cleaned up. It is our duty, our responsibility. Won't you help a brother out?
News Flash - Tracy M. is no longer pregnant (in a very good way).
With that I now return you to your regularly scheduled snarking.
File under: Girl Talk
Grrrls on the Nacle learned a long time ago they can get away with pretty much anything, because they are womyn and if you say one word to them about being out of line you will get walloped upside the head for being a dirty, ignorant, sexist pig (which you are anyway, admit it).
To date, FMH has pretty much run amok when it comes to posts on sexual things. No surprises then that TftC has taken their cue from them and now done the same thing by shoveling out steaming piles of honeymoon advice for novice schtuppers soon to be crossing the threshold of garment-free unlubricated bleeding agony that leads to urinary tract infections. Oh, if you had only "stretched out" and "gotten in touch with yourself" beforehand, as these sage sisters advocate, then everything would be fine and dandy, except then you wouldn't be worthy for that Temple Marriage thing, but, hey, that isn't the Bishop's bidness anyway, so just omit those personal details.
Kage asks "TMI?" No, no, not at all. Everyone on the Nacle wants to know you were sore while standing in your receiving line, and that Heather bled a lot and her mom fired off the first time, and Trivial Mom had three hours of foreplay and may have waxed or shaved, Cheryl had her period and a UTI, SJ's husband isn't black but could be mistaken for that in certain aspects, Katie stretched out in the shower beforehand, Nikki prefers gel to jelly, LT needs to practice and Heavenly Father will just have to be understanding about it, EmilyS prefers baby wipes to tissues, Coffinberry prefers Astroglide to KY, Tracy M bled the first time, Rachel H and DH did it even though she was having her period and it took a while for her to learn that the magic button=O, PDoE likes body chocolate and pillows, cc got poison ivy on her kiester, and more and more and more from anonymous people who went on and on and on about yeast infections and all other sorts of lurvly details.
But, most of all, they want you to remember to LUBERCATE! Right, SJ?
File under: Running on empty
All fMhLisa has to do to generate traffic is make lame politically motivated comments that are sure to be "controversial" among the vastly Republican Mormon population at large, even if they don't read the Nacle.
* It frees up her time to watch more Oprah.
* She can sound edgy, hip and politically wonky, with no risk of damage to her loyal base readership.
* It would be ever so much easier than actually coming up with substantive, original content.
Sometimes, she underwhelms us with her alleged brilliance.
P.S., Hey, Lisa, since the political stuff isn't really driving a lot of traffic, just post some more about fornicating or adultery or something like that and you'll get your numbers back up.
So a new blog called "Popcorn Pooping" just hit the Nacle, and it landed on the Moarch in box 4 and on LDSdefect in box 2. Wow, for being new and untested and untried and untrue it sure did land itself awfully high up the ladder. I guess all them Nacle big shots associated with it and selling it has gotten it in good. Nothing like patronage to kickstart things.
They are planning 1-3 posts per week appearing on Tuesdays, but what if nobody submits anything? Call it a hunch, but I bet people are going to work through whatever they have laying around pretty quickly, and then the bloom is going to be off that apricot tree faster than you can cut down an orchard in Orem and put in a subdivision. I hope whoever registered that domain only did it for a year.
But, hey, the Nacle can always use more fibre in its diet, right? It should help keep things a little more regular, but it will also cause more...um...well...you know. And its not like there is any shortage of that on the Nacle.
File under: Celebrity appearances
[Ed. - the techno savvy uber geeksters at SN Industries LTD have recovered some of the deleted comments on the BCC porn thread, and post one of them here for your perusing pleasure. We would repost all of the DKL's comments, but they were far too salacious and inflamitory for a family-friendly site like this one. I mean, they were so bad, we thought Steve EM was posting under the DKL's handle as a practical joke!]
You know, all of these self-righteous Mormons sitting around talking about porn, porn, porn. I mean, come on, there is nothing wrong with a little porn here and there. Sure, maybe if you are looking at it 24/7 then you might...MIGHT...have a problem. But its just a natural thing, you know? What is the big deal with all you puritanical, uptight, Freudian freaks anyway? I think its you guys that have the problem, not being all comfortable with your bodies and whatnot. If you could just get over yourselves then porn wouldn't be an issue, right? Me? I have better things to do, like keep tabs on my wife and design children's clothing for my darling daughter.
Comment by Charlie S. — April 23, 2006 @ 12:20 pm
File under: Smarter than thou
Stay yourselves, and wonder; cry ye out, and cry: they are drunken, but not with wine; they stagger, but not with strong drink. For the LORD hath poured out upon you the spirit of deep sleep, and hath closed your eyes: the self-styled prophets and your Nacle rulers, the ark steadiers eyes hath he covered. And the vision of all is become unto you as the words of a book that is sealed, which [men] deliver to one who fancies himself learned, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and he saith, I cannot; for it written entirely too long ago in Jacobean English like I have said lo these many years over and over and the Bretheren would not be a listening to me:
And the book is delivered to her that is not learned in source criticism neither documentary history nor Biblical Greek nor Hebrew nor anything like unto it, saying, Read this, I pray thee: and she saith, Did I mention how smart I am and what a great teacher I am and how much time I have to waste retranslating everything into modern English in my Insitute class that I am teaching on the second half of the Old Testament so my students who are so fortunate to have such a great teacher like me to guide them because I am so scholarly and posses such depth of knowledge in the Scriptures I could so easily spend several months on Haggai alone and you would never be bored by the millions of questions I pose and the complete lack of thoughful, relevant answers when I speculate wildly about things I know nothing about?
Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as these people draw near with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the modern writings of scholarly translations: Therefore, behold, I will proceed to do a marvellous work among these two people, [even] a marvellous work and a wonder: for the wisdom of these two wise[-nhiemers] shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent [persons] shall be hid in a morass of unintelligble comments on an obscure blog that hardly anyone reads and fewer cares about outside of a handful of self-promoters and their sycophants which will never amount to a hill of beans.
Woe unto them that seek to counsel the LORD, who have works full of darkness, and they say, Look at me! and I said that first!
Surely your turning of things upside down shall be esteemed as the potter's clay: for shall the work say of him that made it, He made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, He had no understanding? Yea, unfortunately, they will.
Behold, them that would abandon the KJV for some modern translation shall break the rhetorical style of the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price and shall lose a great many obvious stylistic connections, especially those where the servant Joseph Smith noted the differences between the KJV and the quotations of the original prophet as delivered by the messenger Moroni as well as those inspired comments given to my servant that he might translate them and render their meaning and intent more clear. Those who seek to update the rhetorical style of the entire LDS canon know not the burden they would cast on the shoulders of others with their incessant complaining and noisome teeth grinding. Those who would not lift a finger to actually do anything useful, but only exalt themselves for their own purposes, shall trip and fall and be exposed for the bratty whiners they are as they seek to be seen on every street corner and in all public places with their broad phylacteries and enlarged boarders on their garments. Behold, if they would do something useful, they can shut up and do something worthwhile to actually help other people in need, to comfort the sick, and the afflicted, and the downtrodden, the widow and the orphan, rather than waste time publicly preening.
Over at the Blackhole, Geoff B has stumbled onto a translation site that may just enable some Nacle blogs to transcend the intellectual oceans and become understandable to the common folk wandering the world of the Blogosphere.
Evidently, the Blackhole translates best into Redneckese.
Chloroform, Bloggernaccle Style (illustrated by the latest Adam post) requires a Swedish Chef translation to become intelligible.
FMH works best with Jive.
And finally, only a Moron could make sense of Shills for Dialogue.
Feel free to submit other sites you find best read through proper translation.
File under: We should only be so lucky
If you go to T&S, not that we would encourage you to do that, and click on the Author Profiles pull down thingy you will see an asterisk splat * next to Russell, Kaimi and Kristine. Scroll down a little more and you see an explanation that says "* Bloggers marked with an asterisk are currently on sabbatical"
Um, I am confused. I thought "sabbatical" meant "taking a break from something" as in "not doing it" as in "stopping for awhile" as in "ceasing". Maybe its my poor little blue smurfy brain that is betraying me, but if Kaimi is on sabbatical, then what is this? Is he on sabbatical every day of the week, except Tuesday? Or is he on sabbatical when he isn't on sabbatical, like he is on sabbatical in between posts and commenting? Or is "on sabbatical" now just a T&S way to show support for Russell? He being really and genuinely on a verifiable sabbatical, having not posted for some time. Unlike some others who are "on sabbatical" and are actively posting.
And its not like the asterisk is a typo. If you click on his profile page it says:
File under: Lingering Hostilities, Gender Wars
You know, its so good to see the love between the Big Nacle Blogs spread out and shared on the little blogs, giving them a boost. The faithful gals at noobie femnacleblog A Prayer of Faith drew some comments from the T&S Prime Orthodoxer over the lack of dates for smart girls, which were attacked by BCC's Left Wing Field Operatives, who commented in tandem in a clearly coordinated effort. You know things are going to get ugly when its DKL who steps in to discourage contention!
I really don't know what Adam is talking about. Its not like all educated Mormon women aren't into traditional motherly roles. We totally have uteruses and breasts, and are all for healthy self esteem and body image and do all the standard Relief Society stuff. So, we are all woman, all educated, and there is no justifiable reason for these Mormon boys to not wanna date us!
File under: Coat-tail riding
BCC has opened a six pack of beat-downs on T&S' wannabe academicians by hosting an all-star panel of big time experts on Mormonishness. One of the permabores, beaten to a pulp, has raised the white flag of surrender. (Nice Try, Julie with this one, but too bad the topic doesn't really have anything to do with Mormonism and nobody has heard of her before. Sorry, doesn't help bolster T&S' academic cred).
Now that T&S has conceded defeat with a lame poach, lets play "Four of these things belong together, one of these things is not the same":
Last week DMI Dave posted a thread destined to garner 1000 comments, and he has a whopping 55 to date! But Dave is undaunted in the face of adversity. We are going to assume Dave is serious and encourage all of the Nacle to head on over to Dave's place and help make his dreams come true.
Ryan over at Blogger of Jared has certainly jumped on the MTC-gripe bandwagon. Anything for traffic, eh Jaredites?
As a former resident of the MTC once penned,
"Yea, and it came to pass that we did shower at the tree of life. Yea, and I beheld that the skin of those roundabout was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen.
"And I also cast my eyes round about, and beheld, on the other side of the bathroom, a great and spacious handicapped shower.
"And it was filled with missionaries from sunup to sundown, and their manner of dress was exceedingly modest with bathrobes and showercaps;
"And they were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come to shower at the tree of life.
"And it came to pass that I saw my MTC brethren, and did beckon unto them to come and partake of the waters of the tree of life.
"But behold, they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them from the large and spacious handicapped showers.
"Many of these brethren did press forward, and grasp the curtain attached to the aluminum shower rod, and they were lost in the steam and mists of the showers for an exceedingly lengthy period of time."
They've been sniffing glue over at Blognitive Dissonance again. And people say we snarkers have too much time on our hands?
These
posts
are
just
plain
weird
Oh wait, it's supposed to be alphabetical.
are
just
plain
posts
These
weird
Unless there's some deeper meaning to all this? Help a brother out.
I suppose the alphabetizing of scripture passages is more productive than 90% of what goes on in the Bloggernacle. At least this effort involved, you know, actually looking at the scriptures.
File under: Piss & Vinegar
The new cool thing at T&S is embittered screeds on why my mission was terrible, but, hey, Hater Nater the Angry Israelite can justifiably complain about it, right? While John Fowles sort of tepidly defends the missionary program sending out young kids, he is struck by the sheer incompetance of these wet-behind-the-ears goinks we send out, relating some tales of personal missionary failure that have plagued him all these years, opening up the flood gates once again for people to opine the misery of missionary service. Fortunately, some are responding positively in an effort to stem the tide of negativity.
Tommorrow's T&S posts will no doubt be: CES Seminary Program Does Not Prepare Kids to Serve Missions by IrriNate, followed with a guest post from Guy Murray with all the negative dirt in the news he can dig up on bad things missionaries have ever done to embarrass the Church, followed by a scathing set of reviews by Kaimi of God's Army, God's Army 2, and The Best Two Years.
So are Adam and Jim F trying to change the subject? How about some of the other permabores post some positive missionary experiences? Or can we take your silence on the subject to be tacit approval of the general bitterness already voiced? Are the rest of you too apathetic or weak to stand against NegaNate's daily onslaught of pessimism, which has already swept John up? Where is Julie M Smith in Austin's self-righteous indignation and Adam Greenwood's ultraorthodox vigor?
As you can see by the extraordinary runway skyllz displayed below, the March recipient of the MStP shirt is proudly wearing the spoils of snarking the inhabitants of the Bloggernacle.
The February recipient has received theirs, but...poke poke...still has not sent in a pic.
So, yes, we are still giving out MStP shirts to the lead contributor for each month. So, send in those snarks and help make the Bloggernacle a...uh...better place...yeah.
File under: DOH!!!
JStapley has been so busy posting to Splendid Sun and being a Nacle Big Wig that he forgot to renew his domain registration! Boy, for being one of the Nacle's uber techno-nrrrds, J, you sure could use a little help with that Outlook scheduler thingy. You really weren't kidding about lacking that "organizational volition" thing, eh?
Since he will invitably get around to renewing his domain (unless someone else snaps it up!), here is what you get/got upon going to his site early on the morning of April 12:
File under: Libel
One of the Times & Seasons permabores (NOT A GUEST!!!) has finally put up a post up that has resulted in more than 100 comments (WOOO!). Not because of the quality of content of the post, but because of a nauseating threadjack by DKL and ARJ, who cannot talk enough about what a jerk the MTC president was and how in the right they were all along and how wrong he was. Which prompts an exmo to go on about how much his awful mission experience harmed him. Poetry in motion.
NEWSFLASH: Adversity chastens some, hardens others.
Reading the thread is like watching a car wreck in slow motion. You know what it going to happen and it goes ever so slowly, but then WHAM it happens. DKL initially says he doesn't think it is appropriate to talk about the finer details of his hate for Tiny (oopies! not Tiny Grant, but Klein), he then all too eagerly spills his guts at the slightest prompting. The best is when DKL makes it clear that two wrongs makes it right, even if its the wrong guy you have been badmouthing for past couple of days. Hopefully AnneGB didn't get around to assaulting Tiny before Klein was identified as the one she should be attacking. Extra props to AnneGB for suggesting Sister Missionaries are being sexually abused and don't even know it. Oy vey!.
You would think T&S wouldn't allow such bile to be vented publicly, but, hey, that is a lot of comments for a permabore. And, hits from ex-mos still count towards your total, which you put in big BOLD letters, not that you want anyone to see that. And it is Nate's baby, and nobody can call Nate's baby ugly, without risking the vengeful wrath of Kaimi. So on it goes. Cue Adam Greenwood for an ultra-conservative, contentious, traffic-driving backlash in 3...2...
File under: Rationalization via selective use of lexicons
I like referring to non-Mormons as “Heathens.” Heathen is one of those Mormon terms that has come on hard times owing to the politically correct nature of American Culture, trying to be "sensitive" and all. It is seen as being archaic and offensive, perhaps even faintly ridiculous. (”It is so silly for Mormons to call scattered Israel Heathens.” Chuckle. Chuckle.) One will search Church publications in vain for its recent use to refer to non-Mormons outside of the context of scriptural quotations, because those PC guys are entirely too eager to not offend. Today, we are encouraged to use the less loaded “non-member”. I respectfully dissent for two reasons: (and I will insert a colon here to be grammatically correct)
First, using the word Heathen defines church membership in a certain way, connoting the fact that most of the membership of the Church used to be non-Israelites and are now Israelites only by adoption. The word pops up quite a bit in the scriptures, where it is used to refer to those who are not part of the covenant people of God, like we are now, the chosen, the elect of God, unlike the unclean swine surrounding us. In this sense, it invites Mormons to see their self-righteousness in national terms. We are not merely an association. We are a people, a nation of former Heathens, not Heathens any longer. Yet it is a peculiar kind of goyim, an unheathen type of goyim, one where membership comes via covenant and adoption rather than birth, except of course those who are natural Israel by birth, but we are going to ignore them since they have rejected the Restored Gospel. (In this sense it is a very American conception of nationhood, even though it is very unBiblical, especially since Nephi calls the Heathens "scattered Israel" and us "Gentiles" I do not see any reason to pay attention to him). In contrast, “non-member” is too aseptic and not contentious enough. It does not invoke the same imagery of being a goyim. Unless we point out that everyone who is non-member is a Heathen swine, then being Mormon just becomes more like joining the Elks Club, rather than cosmic adoption into the household of God (especially when a lot of those Heathens are already literal lineage of Abraham, and we have to differentiate ourselves from them somehow, right? I mean, come on, promises to Abraham, whatever!).
Second, using the word Heathen defines the non-Mormoness of others in a pejorative way. In the Old Testament the word we translate as “Heathen” is “goy” (yes, that is right, look it up, the Hebrew "goy" is translated to both "Heathen" and "Gentile"). In the New Testament it is “ethnos” (which, surprise, surprise, is translated to both "heathen" and "gentile" in the KJV NT). In both cases it means something like “unclean pagan pigs who are the vomitous blight of the earth.” Our English word “Gentile” has the same pejorative root, especially when used among Mormons, going back to the Latin word “gentes” which I wish meant something like “tribes” or “nations”, but actually means "foreigners", as in, "not My people" like in Hosea 1:9-10. Tribes and nations suggest a rich notion of identity, but that is not what the etymology of the words really suggest, so let's pretend that isn't the case. We assume that a foreign nation has customs and ideas of its own, like Philistines and Canaanites, which are evil and the Lord warns us repeatedly from intermingling with them. In contrast, “non-Mormon” is simply a negation. It implies that they are not us, and therefore not the Lord's elect, but I want to be explicit. To be sure, the idea of a foreigner can be dangerous, but it is worth it since we need to build and Them versus Us notion of community. We can see them as the bad-guys by labeling them as Heathens, but this is really no worse than calling them “non-members” since I am only making what is implicit overtly explicit. On the other hand, a mere non-member offers nothing. He is simply a non-. I would much rather risk offending people who are not Mormons so we can maintain an egocentric identity, even if we do have to call Israelites by birth "Heathens", so we can have some dignity as non-Others.
Dandelion Mama Tracy is still pregnant. I've gotta hand it to this dear sister. She's endured the loss of transportation, relentless attacks by small red-headed terrorists (and I mean that in the most loving way possible), and the innovative snacking of a two-year-old boy.
For the record, I deny ever having snacked on a stick of butter in my mis-spent youth. All the evidence has been destroyed.
Way to keep a humorous attitude on life, Tracy. You let us know when the contractions start (for real this time) and we here at the Snarker will start the "Push her out, shove her out, way out!" cheer.
...like our Viking Forebears.
The Editrix at the new faithful grrrly blog is irritated that people are saying Mormons are fatter than their Gentile neighbors. So, naturally, she comes up with alternatives explanations as to why we weigh more, which explanations are supported by no evidence whatsoever, aside from a GenConf quote which notes Mormons are less obsessed with body image (which would explain why it is so hard to find a plastic surgeon in Utah) than our Gentile neighbors, who are all bulemic coke whores.
OK, well, if all the Gentile neighbors are a bunch of vain, self-absorbed, image conscious, anorexic crack heads, then they wouldn't be caught dead in Golden Corral, Chuck-A-Rama and the 5 Buck Pizza Buffet. So who is it that is keeping them in bizness?
Voting is done for the Best & Worst April Fools and the results are pretty predictable:
BCC's impressive effort easily took first place, followed up by MA's spoof of LDSdefect. Those six who voted for T&S as "best", lets see, DKL, SKL, Kaimi and three more T&S permabores would be my guess.
The Worsts were also pretty predictable too, with T&S's weak effort scraping the bottom of the barrel.
T&S's was so, lame....they did it on March 31! Not even an April Fool! And it is clear only Kaimi had anything to do with it.
Tanya Spackman, the token woman at M0, has posted some pics she took at General Conference this past weekend. Among them are some fun pics of dingbat anti-mormons advertising their web sites, one of which doesn't even work as advertised. Sweet. The other one is a half-baked attempt at attacking pretty much any organized church that dares to have some sort of documented theological position. The most damning criticism on their web page is the Mormonism FAQ, which pretty much shattered my testimony into tiny shards. Now John Dehlin can do a podcast of us and how we became post-snarkers.
The best though is this powerful statement. I don't know about you, but that made me cry...with laughter. I mean, the only way it could have been any more damaging to my testimony is if it was "Flase Prpheets", or "Floss Parakeets", or "Folse Parfets". Where did they get their stuff from? Its like FARMS/FAIR/SHEILDS decided to do an April Fools gag and make this stuff up then hire some flacks to sit on the street $10/hour just for laughs.
Hey everybody! Vote for which April Fools was the best and which was the worst:
Click here to take survey
We compiled a list of the ones we spotted on the Nacle. If we missed anyone, sorry!
Results up in a couple of days or so, or whenever we get around to it.
John W. Redelfs, the most Iron-Roddy Iron Rodder on the Nacle is not content to feast upon the word received at General Conference. No, this Iron Rod has some words of counsel for GA's pertaining to what he would like to hear at GenConf. Methinks if someone else were griping in similar fashion, the Iron Rod would take them to task for questioning the leaders of the Church.
(So out of character it must be an April Fools...right?)
Preeminent members of T&S, BCC and M* have been in secret back room negotiations to bring the three big blogs into one house of grand Mormon blogging. Their intent is to end all hostilities between the three competing blogs and foment a new and unique consolidated consortium of Mormon blogging that eschews contention in favor of scholarship and brotherly love.
Details that have leaked out of the secret talks indicate the new blog shall be named "The United Order" and all permanent members of the three big blogs will be installed as members of United Order. Further details indicate they plan on having all smaller and solo blogs in the Bloggernacle, except SnarkerNacle, merge and unite into "The Branch", which will act as a "farm team" to United Order. The Branch will serve as a pool of guest bloggers and potential permabloggers, as well as a means of mentoring new bloggers, helping them hone their skills. While The Branch will operate indepenedently of The United Order, any member of the The United Order can exercise editorial control over the content of The Branch.
Negotiations presently revolve around who will exercise administrative control over United Order and who will be "more equal". While there have been no volunteers for actually performing the technical work of setting up the servers and maintaining them, numerous volunteers have made themselves available to promote the project and exercise control over content and submissions. It was resolved to have a rotating three person presidency with terms of office of 1 year with members rotating out every 4 months. Initial order would be alphabetical by last name with FIFO replacing that after each founding member had served. There was one complaint about this, someone who wanted to do reverse alphebetical by last name, but he was largely ignored and the matter dismissed.
There was some initial discussion over whether all posts should be anonymous and peer reviewed so as to ensure quality and eliminate self-promotion and egos, but several people insisted that was unacceptable. When asked why, they balked and ultimately reasoned it was because it would be onerous on whoever was required to review submissions.
Site design was also discussed. General agreement was easily reached on using WordPress. Color schemes rejected outright were brown, or anything like unto it, blue, or anything like unto it, or pink, or anything like unto it, or grey, or anything lke unto it. Latest reports indicate opinions were settling on shades of pale yellows.
An annually rotating topic of the month schedule was recommended so as to discourage repeated unoriginal posts on the same topic. This suggestion was largely rejected on that basis that doing so would result in entirely too infrequent posting.
