Some months ago John Dehlin tried to make a living off blogging and podcasting, only to have it flop in a spectacular fashion (Sorry, no link available, since John deleted the post). John is back to blogging for free again (never really stopped, actually). So, why not resurrect MormonStories.org? Didn't take much prompting to get him going again, now did it? Judging from the responses in the comments, the DAMU are clearly for it. Nah, they wouldn't actually pay to support e-Nehor's hobby, like his predecessor, but they sure are eager to have him do it on his own dime. Hey, John, if at first you don't succeed, then try, try again.
Back in November, Geoff J, head master and hatchet man for the MoArch kicked Rob Osborne and Doug Towers off (go down to the bottom of the page and see the last 4 comments) because he was suspicious of them, on account of the wierd stuff they blog about. Both of them got nearly identical banning announcements from Geoff, at pretty much the same time, suggesting they go and ply their wares at the evil anti-MoArch.
But, hey, look at this: Both Rob Osborne and Doug Towers endorse Geoff J's bloggings. Talk about forgiving spirits! These guys are an example to the entire Bloggernacle.
One has to wonder why Geoff J booted Rob and Doug off the MoArch in the first place, since they all agree. Maybe Geoff doesn't want the competition? Is he jealous of their blogskylz? No doubt Rob and Doug will be adding NCT to their own blog's list of links. The only question is: Will Geoff J be as forgiving and link them back? Show them some luv, dude!
Chorus:
Last Christmas, I showed you my blog,
But the very next day, you snarked it away...
This year, to save me from tears,
I've hidden it someplace special [special!]...
Once snarked and twice shy!
I keep my distance and don't read SN (I lie!)
Tell me baby, do you track my IP?
Well others do, so it doesn't surprise me!
(Happy Christmas!) I fixed up a new template
With an email saying "Stay away" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been!
But if you snarked me now, I know you'd show me again!
[chorus]
A crowded 'nacle, readers with tired eyes
I'm offended by you and your blog of ice
Here I thought I'd find kindred spirits to rely on
Fetch! Look how many times I have been snarked on!
No face on the bloggers with no love in their hearts.
Those snarks undercover, and they tore me apart!!
Oooh Oooh !
Now I've got a new blog, you'll never snark me again.
Last Christmas, I showed you my blog,
But the very next day, you snarked it away [you snarked it away]...
This year, to save me from tears,
I've hidden it someplace special [special!]...
Oh, sweet, that old viral e-mail that used to get forwarded around ad nauseum between people you barely even know and now definitely don't want to get to know any better is now being spread around the Bloggernacle. I would implore the Bloggernacle to stop it, but since it is little more than a vanity project, asking them to stop talking about themselves is pointless. No doubt every blogger in the Nacle is hotly anticipating being tagged so they can talk about themselves.
And why should I be any different? I Snarkimus Prime tag myself, and reveal the truth you cannot handle:
1) I secretly love Times and Seasons. Get used to it. Late into the night, I lose cycle down time, adoringly combing through the archives for every succulent morsel of wisdom that falls from the tables of these preeminently brilliant geniuses. I have even read some of the posts twice, in one night, because they are just that good.
2) When I was a little autobot who could only transform into a Ford Ranger, I wanted to grow up to transform into a Piper Cub. All the kids teased me. I take it out on the Decepticons to this day. Because I can. Help me.
3) Diesel tastes so much better than Energon. The new Ultra Low Sulfur diesel isn't as good as the old stuff, but it is has a nice delicate flavor with no aftertaste, and is still better than Energon. And I really couldn't care less about carbon emissions or global warming either, so pass the Diesel and give the Energon to Starscream, just to shut him up for once. I mean, it is your planet, not mine.
4) On the weekends, I front for my boyz, bustin fresh beats to all mah bootiful peeps. The wackessest rhymes since Big Bang t=0, bustin Megatron like the little girl he is sho.
5) I have nightmares about...please don't make fun of me...I am very sensitive about this...all my chrome...rusting.
And for my three, I tag T&S, BCC and FMH, because we just don't hear enough about them around here.
Dear N.O.,
We fully agree with your idea of making donations instead of giving presents. Therefore, please accept the following along with our warmest wishes for the season.
Happy Festivus!
Love,
Team SN
1) Cinemasochist, Badderest NC-17 Films I Grew to Like Over Time
2) The best Duran Duran song...EVAR!!11!1...oh noes!!!!!
3) Shark Jumping Background Music for your Television Viewing Pleasure
4) Top 5 Online Timekillers, Revisisted, Again, Part 3.2.a.ii
5) How Cool and Hip I am to be So D*mn Trendy and yet Mormon, kinda like Brandon Flowers and Arthur Kane
Runners up:
- Look at this YouTube vid, so teh funnay, lols!
- I heart Morrissey, if you don't then go away and dont come back
- Stop Nagging Me Steve or I WILL TOO Post Another Arbitrary Top 5 List
- Alternative acronyms for WTF
- I do too think Superman Returns is a great movie, even though it really isn't that great, and more or less is a piece of shizzle
- I interviewed a famous real for sure actual director of a real movie because he thought I was a real journalist, and hardly anyone commented
- As a male, I'm not embarrassed to publicly proclaim that I'm a huge fan of the Gilmore Girls, because I am that secure, oh, yes, I am
- Of the Bloggernacle, but not in the Bloggernacle, u r banned so hard for typing the "M" word
- Can I comment if I am not Mormon? What if I am Mormon and have a current Temple Recommend?
No, no, NO. You guys have it ALL wrong.
Here is the list of the top-ten most influential Mormons, the way any sane, red-blooded American would see it:
I rest my case.
1) Donny Osmond (Duh!)
2) J.W. Marriott (Duh!) (A&W Root Beer, AND hotels complete with Books of Mormon -- all from one man!)
3) Kevin Rollins (CEO of Dell--What would church record keeping be like without Dell computers? Huh? HUH?!)
4) Jon Huntsman, Sr. (because he's loaded)
5) Harry Reid (because he has the nicest office on Capitol Hill)
6) Larry H. Miller (what other Mormon owns a pro basketball team? Need I say more??)
7) That guy from Napoleon Dynamite
8) Steve Young (because anytime someone talks about famous Mormons, he's mentioned)
9) Whoever designed the San Diego Temple (because it looks cool and people talk about it)
10) Mitt Romney (love the hair, what else can I say?)
CNU, O'Brien?
Chloe, I need to speak to the president!
(deep voice) Brother Bauer? What a surprise.
This is Agent Jack Bauer, authentication code Palymyra 1-8-2-0. I need to speak to the president.
I represent the "brethren," Jack, you know that. Have you successfully infiltrated.. the 'Nacle?
Yes. For several months now, I've been working undercover, and I have information that...
You haven't been compromised, have you, Bauer?
No! But the information I have, it's essential that you pass this on to the presi...
Have you become addicted?
Of course I'm not addicted. To the petty infighting? To obsessive talk about sex?
Yes, we know. The "I'm cooler than him" battles, all the inactives, the navel gazing, the squabbles, the utter waste of time and effort... So what is this call about, Brother Bauer?
I've uncovered some information that must be given to the brethren. You see, the whole operation--it's a setup, a scam, a fraud...
What are you saying, Bauer?
I'm saying that the entire Nacle is the work of one sick, deranged person.
One person? Writing as all those quirky, self-obsessed freaks? Even the sincere, thoughtful, interesting people?
Yes, yes. The diaper stories, the cat fights, the never ending sex talk, the excruciating, mind-numbing discussions of gospel minutiae, he even created the scandals... You must warn the brethren, this guy is dangerous...
Who is it, Jack? KaiWeng? Steve-a-reeno?
Get me on board Huntsman One, and when I reach safety, I'll inform you of the..
Where are you?
Let's just say I'm nearby.
This is a major development, Brother Bauer. We're going to bring you in.
No! You can't! Months of work will be wasted...
(muffled) That's him, conference center observation deck. Send the field agents...
@*%@$&! Chloe, you've got to find me a way out of here!!
Okay Jack, disguise yourself as a hobo, and exit through the...
Chloe: Wait, Jack, infrared shows two agents approaching...
Hi, Brother Bauer? We understand you'd like a tour of the facility.
(scoffs) You two? They sent the two of you? Don't you know who I am?
(giggles) Of course, Brother Bauer.
(points to companion) That's why she'll pull your tongue out of your nose if you make one wrong move. Now, could we ask you to step through this doorway, please?
%)*%@$&!
NEXT WEEK, on 24: 'Nacle...
Chloe! I'm in the Granite Mountain records vault, and I need backup!!
While Nate Oman worries about the totally un-cutting edge, uncool, un-hipness of Mormonism, (NO WAY!!! Mormons are not kewl!?!? Dude!! Donny Osmond was soooo hecka awesome in that Billboard topping Wierd Al song!!! Aside: Hooray, Nate's long absence from T&S is over and all of his throughts from the past months are being dumped on daily; no doubt Kaimi's recent end-of-semester induced lapse will be coming to an end shortly and T&S will once again be deluged with his quirky ruminations; we are all eagerly anticipating that now, aren't we? Oh, yeah.) the guys at the Millennial Black Hole are trying to be cutting edge, cool and hip. Since their gambit as The Conservative Third Big Group Blog failed, apparently they are now the savvy hipsters of pop Mormon culture. And why not? I mean, when I think of "cool" I think of Geoff, Clark, Ben and John. Whether this new permutation works for them or not remains to be seen. As for myself, I am just glad Brian finally got rid of that hideous blue/yellow rectangular line from around their ugly logo at the top of their blog. That alone shows a huge improvement in their blog. But, on to the latest M0 trend setting:
Clark thinks Mel Gibson's latest jungle-flavored cinematic festival of sadomasochism will influence Mormonism's view of Nephites and Lamanites, particularly the FARMS LGM (Clark is apparently trying to draw Daniel Peterson out from lurking mode to comment on this one, propelling it into a downward spiral of 100+ comment contention, and therefore drive a lot of traffic to the languishing blog). Clark is so hip with the times not only is he prophet-contradictingly advocating rated R movies in the Bloggernacle, he has also pretty much stopped reading his Book of Mormon. Talk about trendy, the man is down with it, frontin on Kulturblog. PEACE!
But, Geoff B is off the hizzy, yo! Up front admitting to knowing nothing about Outer Darkness, he guesses that Ahmadinejad's Sanhedrin of Holocaust skeptics, currently convened in Iran, would be the kinds of people who would be Sons of Perdition. Nice doctrinal loop the loop. Sons of Perdition are people who had a testimony of Christ, but who then reject Him and want to kill him (you know, like the DAMUs...ha ha, just kidding...I think). How does being historically challenged and a racist bigot fit that definition? Geoff hasn't been reading his Doctrine & Covenants, but he sho'nuff is down on current events. How cosmopolitain.
MMW’s Heather O. has found a shocking holiday song. Truly shocking. Using her 21st Century “sensibilities” she has analyzed the lyrics from Frank Loesser’s 1944 duet “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and declared the song to be the gateway to Date Rape. Fortunately for Nate, the weather in Williamsburg has been unseasonably warm.
Well, in doing a bit more than just slamming the lyrics, I found something that Heather might find even more shocking, and perhaps appalling. When this song made its debut in the 1948 film Neptune’s Daughter the role of the Wolf (male voice) and the Mouse (female voice) were actually reversed so that the female was the one trying to lead the male down the primrose path.
I’d get into more detail, but this isn’t FMH.
Loesser also wrote the famed carol Let It Snow which evidently also contains sexual innuendo, albeit much more obscure. I’m sure, given time, that carol will also be slammed as insensitive and sexist.
In the mean time, I’m waiting for Heather to analyze the lyrics of Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar On Me. Maybe she’ll be able to make sense of them for everybody too.
a random John, one of the Nacle's prominent Science Fiction afficionados eagerly looks into the future, anticipating what technology will bring about for Mormons, which includes:
Acceptance of the Technology
Since Mormons have always historically embraced technology, there is no reason to count them out for anything new on the horizon. Mr. Kruger's Christmas in 3D MultiSensoNephronic? Heck yeah! Ooo fer neat! Distributed free in holographic storage format (HSF) disks in this month's issue of the Ensign, printed on a recyclable OLED.
Death
Forget about that genealogy backlog, if nobody dies then no need to do any more Family History or journal writing since they can all tell you first-hand, in horrid detail. Forget about those romanticised sparse accounts of hardship, you will now be harrangued by Great Grandpa Ebenezer's Elementary School walk stories ad nauseum. And, once nobody is dying anymore, it will give us all a chance to finish the work of all the dead people who have already passed. Family reunions will eventually all have to occur outdoors, given the lack of buildings large enough to house the millions of Ricks, Allreds and Smarts in Utah and Idaho. Sure, sure, people will still die from catastrophic accidents, but really, once you can live forever, people will stop skydiving, motorcycle riding and all other high-risk activities. Then again.... Nah, the coming changes in technology will leave us longing for death...the death of others...by violence.
Longing for our Families
How can you long for a family member that is omnipresent? If nobody ever dies, then nobody will ever have to bother with all this depressing stuff about funerals. Sure, morticians will have to move to 3rd World Countries that cannot afford to have custom designed replacement organs created from stem cells, but that is the price of progress, and nobody ever liked creepy Uncle Thanatopsis anyway, so good riddance. And if you can have these organs replaced, like livers and lungs, then will the Word of Wisdom still need to be observed?
Virtual Experience
No need to "Raise the Bar" when the very best virtual correlated Elders and Sisters can be projected onto doorsteps from the Church's constellation of satellites. Early Morning Seminary teachers will also be rendered obsolete by MyHoloInstructor, but the donuts will still have to be real.
Sunday School
Yeah, people will have the Library of Congress' pile o' facts downloaded into their heads, but common sense will still be entirely lacking. There will be no shortage of need for deftly agile Sunday School teachers who can adroitly steer conversations away from Fanny Alger, Elijah Abel and David Whitmer's late-in-life unflattering rememberances.
The Millenium
The boom in technology and MicroSoft's succesful campaign to get WindowsCE installed on all all OLPCs will result in such a monstrous gap between the Haves and Have Nots, that the Lord will be required to punish the arrogance of the Gentile nations and bring about the Day of Wrath a few decades earlier and cut it the Tribulations from 7 years to 7 days. The ensuing Millennium will be OpenSource and GPL compliant, endorsed by Richard Stallman.
Dear Tracy:
Having been alerted to your double posted tremor in the force we have come to the conclusion you have been using some of the products we sold you in an ill advised manor. As you may have noticed in the fifteen page addendum which accompanied your receipt, we cannot be held responsible for off-label use of products purchased in our cavernous three-acre warehouse store.
Frankly, the fact that you made it to the checkout line with your three little red-headed terrorists in tow astounds us. After a review of the closed-circuit video footage from the store in question, we believe you may have entered the store with four small red headed terrorists. Are you sure you left the building with everyone you came in with? The thought of a wayward child left in our store terrifies us. Bear in mind we’re not worried about the child, only about the catastrophic damage said child may inflict on our store. We read your blog. We know what your children are capable of.
In regards to your complaint about the $4 towels: These towels were meant to be used for decorative purposes only - hence the cheap price tag. Towels capable of actually drying human flesh cost a bit more. Cheap towels designed to survive an actual wash/dry cycle can be found in the hardware aisle. Granted, towels from that department might actually remove flesh from bone, but every bargain has its price.
Tracy, we’re very concerned about the ill will you hold towards us and our capitalistic megalopolic enterprise. We only want to provide a valuable service at a cut-rate price. In an effort to assuage your antagonistic feelings toward our effort to take over the world one small market at a time, we are sending you a free gift! It will arrive via registered US mail (not insured – we’re cheap) at your residence in the next day or so.
Simply take the item out of its protective cover, look into the red light, and press the button on the right side.
We promise your feelings toward us will be much better afterwards. The unit has been pre-programmed for you. Please do not adjust the settings and do not use on your children or husband as they might not remember you afterwards. As with all other products, we are not responsible for off-label use.
Remember, look directly into the red light. We’ll be seeing you soon.
Warm Holiday Wishes,
Voldemart
PS. You did leave the store with all your little red-headed terrorists, right?
In the spirit of Rebecca's fMh Advent Calendar, we not so humbly submit to you:
On the twelve days of Christmas,
FMH sent to me:
Twelve someones doing something,
Eleven whiners whining,
Ten piles of poopy,
Nine ladies wanking,
Eight maids lactating,
Seven moms homeschooling,
Six book reviews,
Five Nuva rings,
Four angry rants,
Three sexist bases,
Two frustrated VLs,
And I can’t stand idiots today rage!
Symbolism of The Twelve Days of fMhmas:
1 If you don't agree with fMhLisa's irrational take on life and blogging then you clearly are an idiot, because she is the one who immasculated Adam Greenwood and she will do it to you too
2 Guest posts sent in by extremely sexually frustrated women who have never had their two virgin lips kisses
3 The insightful realization that sex is just a game and analogies should be taken to literal extremes to prove your point, like the three bases
4 Angry ranting all four seasons of the year is the whole reason FMH exists
5 NuvaRing, five times better than the pill because you only deal with it once every four weeks
6 You can read FMH Book Group books six days a week, but not on Sunday, because that would violate the Sabbath
7 The homeschooled kids are trapped at home seven days a week, wishing mom would get off the computer and pay attention to them
8 The number of inches their bra size increases
9 We all know 90% of people wank, and the other 10% are liars, only FMH is honest enough to encourage the girls to start their journey of self-discovery
10 The poop chronicles are about as good as Bo Derek's plastic surgery
11 Their Complain knob "goes to 11"
12 The number of hours in "Day in the Life" posts that have to be selectively edited, omitting and embellishing when necessary
Don is irritated with the whole "I have to treat my employees like something other than shaved apes on Christmas" thing. I mean, really, why even acknowledge the Holiday Season and Christmas and all that, it is such an expensive bother. And on Dec. 26 you just have to pay them to take down the decorations and clean up the mess anyway. I know what Team SnarkerNacle is sending Don for Christmas! And, no, it isn't Kage's Christmas CD.
Oh, poor Don. He'll happily party with his friends, but not with the people that make it possible for him to earn a living. Hot tip: If you ignore your employees, they will go away.
Look on the bright side, Don. At least you don't have to pay for an open bar at the El Cheaparoo Theatre Holiday Party and worry about an after-party DWI driving your insurance premiums through the roof.
In the continuing saga of their quest to improve the lives of Mormon Men everywhere, the Snarkernacle's roving reporters bring you an excerpt from the Winter Meeting of the 'Nacle's men's section - The Mo-Men!
