DKL is apparently trying to diversify MoronMentality into a high brow neo-KulturBlahg. He tries to mix it up a little by dancing around Rusty's venerable, if not interminable, Top Five thing by talking about Beethoven's top 4 and DKL's Top Six. But, otherwise, it is pretty much the same thing. Kulturblog is climbing the ranks at LDSDefect, so you emulate their success by ripping them off. Roll over, Beethoven.

Sure, DKL, we believe you. You collect books, you listen to classical music. Got it. Can I tell you how impressed we all are here at SnarkerNacle at how well-rounded you are? Something tells me the only time DKL ever listened to any of this stuff is on his old Hooked on Classics albums. Please do your next not-Top Five, but Four or Six on Impressionist Paintings and then we will swoon at how cultured you are. Or are you going to change it up some and start a MovieDrome CineSadist mashup?

It’s no secret in the halls of the Bloggernacle that Guy Murray doesn’t like George W. Bush.

He likes Dick Cheney even less.



Guy has gone to great lengths to express his displeasure with Cheney. The recent announcement of Cheney’s impending commencement speech to be given at BYU has pushed Murray to the breaking point.

He’s really mad. How mad you ask? Mad enough to [drum roll] sign a petition.

I know. I know. Take a deep breath, o faint of heart reader.

In truth, Guy’s dislike of Cheney most likely lies with a deep seated fear of Cheney. Well, we’ve been discussing the issue of why Guy fears a Dick Cheney speech at BYU so much and have come up with this list of probable reasons:

1. Dick Cheney has a shotgun and knows how to use it.
2. Guy is worried that Cheney might resume his hobby of slipping out of the hotel at night to kill left-winged whiny out of touch with reality bloggers.
3. Dick Cheney’s burning rage could cause a drought which would devastate Utah’s dry land farmers.
4. The after effects (fallout) of a Cheney visit to BYU might cause University of Utah sports teams to wither and evaporate at the edge of campus.
5. Utah’s homeland security threat level would be replaced with a Dick Cheney irritation meter.
6. The few remaining liberal professors at BYU would have to hunker down in old bomb shelters at the JKHB to avoid exposure to Cheney’s burning conservatism.
7. No matter where Dick Cheney happens to be on any particular night, Guy Murray checks under his bed to make sure Cheney isn’t hiding there.
8. Dick Cheney’s gaze can kill small animals.
9. Dick Cheney’s plan to combat global warming centers around wastefully burning hippies as a power source.

And finally, the biggest reason why Guy Murray lives in mortal fear of Dick Cheney:


10. Days after Guy’s I Hate Dick Cheney post on Bloggernacle Times was picked up by the NSA, Guy received a cyber butt whooping that caused him to shutter said blog forever. Only the pre-emptive protective ingesting of the Celestial Kingdom’s official soft drink kept Guy from withering like a dried reed.

And, just to slam the door on Guy’s assumption that BYU alumni will flock to the anti-Cheney petition, let me just state for the record two things – 1) I am a BYU Alumni and 2) the fact that Cheney will speak at BYU’s Commencement this spring may just finally give me a reason to answer the phone the next time they call me for a donation.

Not to be outdone by Guy, Permabore Julie attempts to fill the Bloggernacle Times void with her own thinly veiled, Daily Kos like anti-Cheney post. Careful, Julie. The NSA is watching. Makes me wonder just who Guy and Julie would find worthy to address the BYU commencment. Ever wanting to be noticed, especially in a post that gets actual traffic, Guy inserts himself in the comments.

In short, I think Guy will find whatever protest happens in Provo will be filled with people who don’t have anything better to do with their lives.

...who's the fairest of them all?

There is nothing quite like watching people gaze at themselves longingly in the mirror as they talk about how cool they are and how uncool everyone else is. Yeah, you really do need to sit there and talk about yourselves just a little bit more to convince all of us fence-sitters whether 4 boxes is better than 8.

My shade is blue is so much more lovely than your ugly shade of unaesthetic jarring blue, which literally hurts my eyes, and which used to be purple. Really, purple. Who uses purple anymore? How gauche.

Customization is now and hip and cool, and inclusivity is where it is at, even though you have to draw the line somewhere, that somewhere I am at is so much more there than some others, which are not where I am, because I am so much better at being me, which me is inclusive and customizable and better. Did I mention customizable?

Yes, please, do keep fawning over yourselves endlessly and repetitiously tell us just one more time why you are better.

DMI Dave, Overseeing Editor of the Bloggernacle Times, has apparently had an epiphany and realized what was abundantly obvious to everyone else: The Bloggernacle Times was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. So, they are pulling the plug on what was little more than Guy Murray's personal political soap box of Bush-hating vitriol. Naturally, the only one really upset about this is Guy, since he got more traffic there than at his own misnamed pseudo-group blog, which he will now have to return to and solo blog at in obscurity. Hey, since Guy loves, loves, loves T&S, and has kissed more butts there than anyone should have to without going unrewarded, maybe they will pick him up as a permabore there, owing to his nearly prescient insights into all things political. Or, perhaps, Mormon Mentality, since DKL considers him "a stand-up guy", will. I am sure MM and T&S are in a bidding war right now, as who can pass on the engrossing 24/7/365 Mitt Romney campaign updates?

Kaimi blogs about "By their fruits ye shall know them", but what about the fruits of the T&S permabores? Adam has not been posting for awhile, but he pretty frequently posts to the sidebar and comments on and off. One has to wonder if Adam has been administratively censured there at T&S over his stupid "I am so Abinadi" post awhile back, which resulted in KHH and Melissa leaving. Or maybe Adam's wife has cut him off, since he had been spending way too much time online? Regardless of the reason, it is pretty obvious what Adam has been doing with his spare time: attending improv comedy classes. He must be, because his comments are so darn funny. I mean, seriously, who but a genius can turn the Haun's Mill Massacre and the Meadow Mountain Massacre into comedy gold?

The Bloggernacle is full of people recovering from issues related to a rough childhood. Some had to deal with playground bullies. Others had to find a path through the man-infested school systems to fulfill their feminist birthright.

Mormon Mentality’s Tagore evidently had his Winnie the Pooh doll stolen from his playroom. Perhaps he wanted to be Tigger, only to realize there could only be one Tigger and he would never rate the stripes. Whatever the reason, Tagore hates Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, and don’t even get him started on Piglet.

Tagore’s post isn’t without merit. Now we know the underlying reasons behind adolescent alcohol abuse. So, if you’ve ever had to deal with the temptations of the bottle, it’s all Pooh’s fault.

Parent’s be warned!

WHM:let’s sing “Follow the Prophet”

by Mary Ann

In honor or Women’s History Month, I’ve written a few extra verses for the Primary song “Follow the Prophet”. I thought the FMH community might enjoy seeing them.

Lisa was a blogger—
She sold out her soul,
with sexy help from Artemis
she made the pink blog grow.
What you lack in quality,
make up in quantity.
FMH will show the way to
Hell for you and me.

CHORUS:
Forget the Prophets,
Forget the Prophets,
Forget the Prophets,
Broad is the way.
Reject the Scriptures,
Reject the Scriptures,
Reject the Scriptures,
Broad is the way.

JohnR was not a prophet—
he wants to be one though,
“I once had the Priesthood
I renounce it for me and you”
Pretending to be a woman,
JohnR wore a kilt
Apologized for his appendage
suffering from his man-guilt.

repeat Chorus

Quimby wants the Priesthood
Shout all those men right down!
I'm smareter than some old dude,
your Bishop is a clown.
With self-righteous anger
she becomes a permabore,
who now can contain her?
She'll wildly rant even more.

repeat Chorus

(1 Cor. 14:34-35 JST)
Paul really was a prophet
he knew what to do,
when women covet Priesthood
they're not allowed to rule.
Worthy men can get the Priesthood,
Brother Joseph he agreed,
But FMH will not hear it,
Lacking eyes to see.

repeat Chorus

(Alma 32:23)
Women they can be inspired,
Little children too,
That doesn't get them Priesthood,
Just like the men do.
Grasp and rest the Scriptures,
on your feminist blog,
It really doesn't matter,
Cause God chooses theolog.

Since prominent women in the LDS Church should not talk about, mention, discuss or even make oblique reference to anything having to do with the kitchen, cooking, food and anything like unto it out of danger of casting all women into the role of June Cleaver, BCC is offering a new politically correct Book of Recipes Approved For Discussion by Mormon Women Approved by Accredited Feminists Who Know More Than You Do About How You Should Do Your Job (Just Ask Us):


This is the only recipe book suitable for any woman in the Church who holds any calling whatsoever and make any pretense at pretending to entertain the notion of perhaps, maybe, sort of being anything more than shackled to the stove. So, you can cook and be really good at it, and charitably serve others by it, but do not talk about it.

And, the next time you decide to write up a little article in a magazine that pretty much nobody reads or subscribes to (is there even a print version of "Meridian"?) and has no affiliation to the LDS Church, don't you dare point out you are woman, who has an English degree and uses it to publish recipe books and talk about obscure and rarely discussed historical facts regarding prominent historical women who have exhibited Charity through cooking or KHH will violently lacerate you with her ever increasing, undoubtably righteous indignation over pointing out these women...heaven forbid...loitered anywhere in the vicinity of a stove, cooking range or domestic installation of any kind, perceived or real.

We might suggest BCC add one recipe to their tome. This recipe is RIGHT ON.

Update: The comments on this post have taken this one from bad to worse. Watch Kaimi put his pro-feminist street cred on the line to attack Kristine's position as payback for leaving T&S some months ago. Ugly, and not in a "sweet spirit" kind of way either. Also, while Steve may be waiting for some Apostolic Cinnamon Sugar cookies, be sure not to miss this awesome recipe, sure to be a hit at your next ward function.

Kaimi thinks all of the Women's History Month posts at FMH prove FMH isn't frivilous. Oh, really?

Lets take a look at who is posting so far:

Ronan (of BCC)
Julie M. Smith (of T&S)
Kiskillilli (of Z's D's, which beat FMH in the Niblets)
Margaret Toscano (no blog)
Heather O. (of MMW)
Julie M. Smith (of T&S)
Todd Compton (no blog)

Sorry, Kaimi, but a month of guest posts by people who are not FMHers only serves to prove that FMH is, in fact, frivilous. Because once April rolls around, guess what? Back to the same old, same old.


Yeah, Kaimi, if FMH could just get a few more guest bloggers from BCC and T&S this month, maybe that would prove FMH can carry their own. Which is why Kaimi will be mitigating some of his severe man-guilt over having XY chromosomes by posting this week to FMH talking about how he wishes he were a woman.

Update:Apparently this is an example of the kind of non-frivolous "fun story" that Kaimi likes there at FMH. Another stunning gem in the FMH catalog of substance and style. I personally cannot wait for Ardis, Margaret or Julie to post there on T&S about the kicky pair of cute, red sling backs they picked up over the weekend.

Most bloggers who have babies and small children at home neglect them in favor of blogging (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). Well, hell has frozen over because one of them actually has been responsible enough to stop blogging for awhile and spend more time where it really counts, with his kids. Good on you, Christian. May you be a shining example to all the other irresponsible jerks who blog instead of change diapers, mop spit up and give their kids some one-on-one time.

On the other hand, Christian, for your one post in months, come on, like the Bloggernacle really needs more about Mitt? Good to see you are doing well, but, please, no more Mitt!

Hey, Bloggernacle, you know what?


That is so right. We love you. So much. You know why? Because you never use it to promote your personal political views. You always stand by the Prophets, no matter what the vagaries of pop culture are, always putting your virtue before popularity. Because you strive unceasingly to promote quality through substantive contributions. Because you always rise above petty personal rivalries and recognize that substance is more important than style. You don't promote yourself. You always defer praise and adulation. Yes, you are the very model of a Zion Community. And, so, we render you your due.

But, seriously, folks. We want to thank the 72% of people who voted for something other than us for the Worst Thing About The Bloggernacle. You know why? Because SnarkerNacle isn't the worst thing about it, not by a long shot. Its kind of obvious who voted for us as the worst, right? Do we even need to say who that 28% is? No, I didnt think so. So, for all you voted against us, we salute you!

en garde!

My Very Dear Ms. Parshall,

Whilst I appreciate your esteemed and constant love, I hasten to bring some points to your attention that might serve to illuminate this recondite matter of ass kissing.

Now, firstly, Ms. Parshall, permit me to digress for one moment to address matters pertaining to polity. Owing to your apparent expertise in matters of history, one might have assumed one of such experience would do the research to place such statements into their appropriate historical context, so as not to cast them into a modern light, which light might place them in an unflattering position, and seemingly grant license to those looking to excuse themselves in sin. As such is the case, I would hasten to encourage one such as you to more fully practice their art with greater wisdom and skill, so one might be a servant of the public, and not a detriment thereunto.

Returning to the subject at hand, I would turn your mind about to a thing called the osculum infame. This thing is in reference to an ancient and evil practice of commiting oneself to the devil via a rather unpleasant and shameful act whereupon one enters into his community by ingratiatingly placing one's mouth upon his posterior in a vile and unseemly way, which is then followed by the licentious ritual of adulterous orgy with the evil community, then ultimately consumated with the Black Mass, a flagrant mockery of the Lord's Supper.

The etymology of this ancient phrase, which dates as far back 1303, is such that "kiss my ass" is meant to imply the one you are speaking to has already performed the osculum infame, meaning they are in league with the devil, and so they are as one who does such things as far as you are concerned.

This was the meaning intended in my quotation you have publicized, Ms. Parshall. Namely that our critics, who lie with deceitful tongues and defame us far and wide and appeal to the corrupt politicians who neither protect but only persecute us, are in the Devil's own house, and thus they are damned with him.

I expect no apology from you, but would appreciate you take this small lesson to heart and mind in the future so that you might understand that I had no intention of being profance and vulgar, and thereby offer a bad example to the Saints, but was correctly identifying the damned state of those heretics who would lie and persecute us with no cause, whom the Justice of the Lord will condemn. Worlds without end.

Thx anon submitter

Announcer: Good evening. An welcome again to "Pumping Up You Blog with Nate & Kaimi", the creative writing program for the serious blogger.



Kaimi: Hello! We're back!

Nate: I am Nate.

Kaimi: And I am Kaimi.

Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. up you blog!

Nate: Alright. But before we can pump you blog tonight, we have to answer a piece of reader e-mail.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya. This is an e-mail I received from some guy named Kurt. I'll only read an excerpt, so I don't go into his loser details. "Dear Kaimi: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-"

Nate: Mormon.

Kaimi: "..your mormon blog, and have wondered why it is you always want to blog and comment on women's issues and talk feminism. Maybe you are too stupid to realize you are a man." [ angrily closes lid on laptop ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make me angry; but it only makes me sad.

Nate: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us "stupid" is really just jealous. Because the Nacle looks at us, then looks at him, and realizes he is just a little tiny-man with a little tiny blog!

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, tiny-man. Hear me now and believe me later - but don't comment about it ever, because, if you try to comment, you will be banned!

Nate: Ya!

Kaimi: Poor little tiny-man, alone in his tiny-blog! We ban him! Ha!

Nate: Sorry, Mr. Tiny-man, but here's a treat for the Bloggernacle!

[ Nate & Kaimi lift up their laptops and show the front page of T&S egotistically ]

Nate: Alright.

Kaimi: Oh, and thank you so much for the e-mail. [ waves his hand and hits the delete key ]

Nate: Ya! Ya, don't think for a minute he's not deleting it, because believe me he is!

Kaimi: My laptop loved eating the electrons of the tiny-man e-mail and the megahertz get bigger.

Nate: Ya! You know, we're not here to delete. We're here to...

Together: Pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up!

Kaimi: Oh, and by the way, we'd like to take this time to announce the opening of my big, new sister girly blog. It is really big, like our blog, just for girls, big girls, who like to talk about big girl things, you know.

Nate: That's right. Ya! It's called the Sexundpoopatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet FMHLisa. She manages the new big, huge blog. She is big, ya, like us. But my wife, she does not blog there, she has her own big blog, that is not a sex and poopatorium.

Kaimi: Ya, you know, because we don't have time to blog about all sister girly things as much as we want to, and believe me, we want to. But believe me, we have trained her well to be big like us.

Nate: Ya! And she's one big woman with a big blog, believe me! Ya, come on out here, FMHLisa!

Kaimi: FMHLisa, come on out!



[ FMHLisa runs onto the set ]

FMHLisa: Hey, Nate! How you doing, Kaimi?

Kaimi: Yes! Do you ever show pity on those little blogging losers?

FMHLisa: No! These tiny blog losers, they're small and not big like us! They're weak, sexist, conspiring, farcical pigs, who should be only banned! You hear me? Banned! Banned! Banned!

Nate: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, FMHLisa, what would you do with a tiny-man who wrote a little baby e-mail?

FMHLisa: Here me now, and here me now, tiny-man! Don't be thinking I can't come to your blog, and pummel your head with a 2x4 and knock some sense into your tiny, little head! You should be banned! You hear me! Banned, banned, banned, banned!

[ Nate & Kaimi subdue FMHLisa ]

Nate: Alright. Alright.

Kaimi: Enough talk.

Together: We're not here to talk. We're here to pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up! Because we big.

Nate: Alright, FMHLisa. Alright, thanks for coming down, FMHLisa.

FMHLisa: Okay, I'll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Steve Evans came by today.

Nate: Oh, don't-don't-don't be joking us.

Kaimi: Ya. You'd better not be pulling my big huge leg.

FMHLisa: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might even read your blog. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]

Kaimi: Steve?

Nate: Coming here?

Kaimi: Today?

Nate: Today? Oh..

Kaimi: Oh..

Nate: Oh, I don't believe this!

Kaimi: We are not properly pumped up!

[ Nate & Kaimi desperately start blogging and posting ]

Nate: I don't believe this! Oh no, I can't believe it!



[Steve enters the set, his two laptops featuring BCC and Kulturblog bouncing in rhythm]

Steve: Hello, hello. I am back!

Nate: Oh, Steve , I can't believe how properly pumped up you really are! I was not really hoping you were gone forever!

Kaimi: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect blogitude!

Steve : No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.

Nate: Hey, Steve , look at this! [ blogs ]

Kaimi: Ya! Look at this! [ blogs more vigorously ]

Steve: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates dual blogging on both laptops at once, right hand blogging on BCC and left hand blogging on Kulturblog, all on billable time ] That's the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You call yourselves lawyers? You know something? I hate the way you guys blog! What's the matter with you? I mean, I leave you here to become real hard-core blogginators, and look what you are - little boogers! I wanted you to become real big men; but you are tiny-men. Oh, come on, your blog makes me sick! And look at those sidebars, they look like little skinny sticks and you steal all your links from me! And those brown banners. Ugly, like muddy water. You guys should ask J.Stapley and Rusty to redesign your background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What's the matter?

Kaimi: It's no use, Steve...compared to you...we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.

Nate: Ya. You know, you could very easily out-blog us with your littlest finger, and send us spiraling down into the MoArch Occasional Islands until we landed in our own baby poop, like the blog about at Sexundpoopatorium.

Steve: I know. I know, you're right. But don't be downing yourself too much now. Maybe a little bit, but not too much, right now anyway, at least not in my presence, you can down yourself more later. Listen to me now, and believe me later: it doesn't matter how much you pump up your blog stats, as long as you reach your full pooptential, like FMHLisa.

Kaimi: Oh... okay...

Nate: Ya, I think I understand, Steve. 'Sank you.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, Steve . You've given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.

Steve: Ya. But now, hear this: "BCC will always crush T&S and FMH in the Niblets, no matter what you do to pump your stats up!"