While Nate Oman worries about the totally un-cutting edge, uncool, un-hipness of Mormonism, (NO WAY!!! Mormons are not kewl!?!? Dude!! Donny Osmond was soooo hecka awesome in that Billboard topping Wierd Al song!!! Aside: Hooray, Nate's long absence from T&S is over and all of his throughts from the past months are being dumped on daily; no doubt Kaimi's recent end-of-semester induced lapse will be coming to an end shortly and T&S will once again be deluged with his quirky ruminations; we are all eagerly anticipating that now, aren't we? Oh, yeah.) the guys at the Millennial Black Hole are trying to be cutting edge, cool and hip. Since their gambit as The Conservative Third Big Group Blog failed, apparently they are now the savvy hipsters of pop Mormon culture. And why not? I mean, when I think of "cool" I think of Geoff, Clark, Ben and John. Whether this new permutation works for them or not remains to be seen. As for myself, I am just glad Brian finally got rid of that hideous blue/yellow rectangular line from around their ugly logo at the top of their blog. That alone shows a huge improvement in their blog. But, on to the latest M0 trend setting:
Clark thinks Mel Gibson's latest jungle-flavored cinematic festival of sadomasochism will influence Mormonism's view of Nephites and Lamanites, particularly the FARMS LGM (Clark is apparently trying to draw Daniel Peterson out from lurking mode to comment on this one, propelling it into a downward spiral of 100+ comment contention, and therefore drive a lot of traffic to the languishing blog). Clark is so hip with the times not only is he prophet-contradictingly advocating rated R movies in the Bloggernacle, he has also pretty much stopped reading his Book of Mormon. Talk about trendy, the man is down with it, frontin on Kulturblog. PEACE!
But, Geoff B is off the hizzy, yo! Up front admitting to knowing nothing about Outer Darkness, he guesses that Ahmadinejad's Sanhedrin of Holocaust skeptics, currently convened in Iran, would be the kinds of people who would be Sons of Perdition. Nice doctrinal loop the loop. Sons of Perdition are people who had a testimony of Christ, but who then reject Him and want to kill him (you know, like the DAMUs...ha ha, just kidding...I think). How does being historically challenged and a racist bigot fit that definition? Geoff hasn't been reading his Doctrine & Covenants, but he sho'nuff is down on current events. How cosmopolitain.
MMW’s Heather O. has found a shocking holiday song. Truly shocking. Using her 21st Century “sensibilities” she has analyzed the lyrics from Frank Loesser’s 1944 duet “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and declared the song to be the gateway to Date Rape. Fortunately for Nate, the weather in Williamsburg has been unseasonably warm.
Well, in doing a bit more than just slamming the lyrics, I found something that Heather might find even more shocking, and perhaps appalling. When this song made its debut in the 1948 film Neptune’s Daughter the role of the Wolf (male voice) and the Mouse (female voice) were actually reversed so that the female was the one trying to lead the male down the primrose path.
I’d get into more detail, but this isn’t FMH.
Loesser also wrote the famed carol Let It Snow which evidently also contains sexual innuendo, albeit much more obscure. I’m sure, given time, that carol will also be slammed as insensitive and sexist.
In the mean time, I’m waiting for Heather to analyze the lyrics of Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar On Me. Maybe she’ll be able to make sense of them for everybody too.
Acceptance of the Technology
Since Mormons have always historically embraced technology, there is no reason to count them out for anything new on the horizon. Mr. Kruger's Christmas in 3D MultiSensoNephronic? Heck yeah! Ooo fer neat! Distributed free in holographic storage format (HSF) disks in this month's issue of the Ensign, printed on a recyclable OLED.
Death
Forget about that genealogy backlog, if nobody dies then no need to do any more Family History or journal writing since they can all tell you first-hand, in horrid detail. Forget about those romanticised sparse accounts of hardship, you will now be harrangued by Great Grandpa Ebenezer's Elementary School walk stories ad nauseum. And, once nobody is dying anymore, it will give us all a chance to finish the work of all the dead people who have already passed. Family reunions will eventually all have to occur outdoors, given the lack of buildings large enough to house the millions of Ricks, Allreds and Smarts in Utah and Idaho. Sure, sure, people will still die from catastrophic accidents, but really, once you can live forever, people will stop skydiving, motorcycle riding and all other high-risk activities. Then again.... Nah, the coming changes in technology will leave us longing for death...the death of others...by violence.
Longing for our Families
How can you long for a family member that is omnipresent? If nobody ever dies, then nobody will ever have to bother with all this depressing stuff about funerals. Sure, morticians will have to move to 3rd World Countries that cannot afford to have custom designed replacement organs created from stem cells, but that is the price of progress, and nobody ever liked creepy Uncle Thanatopsis anyway, so good riddance. And if you can have these organs replaced, like livers and lungs, then will the Word of Wisdom still need to be observed?
Virtual Experience
No need to "Raise the Bar" when the very best virtual correlated Elders and Sisters can be projected onto doorsteps from the Church's constellation of satellites. Early Morning Seminary teachers will also be rendered obsolete by MyHoloInstructor, but the donuts will still have to be real.
Sunday School
Yeah, people will have the Library of Congress' pile o' facts downloaded into their heads, but common sense will still be entirely lacking. There will be no shortage of need for deftly agile Sunday School teachers who can adroitly steer conversations away from Fanny Alger, Elijah Abel and David Whitmer's late-in-life unflattering rememberances.
The Millenium
The boom in technology and MicroSoft's succesful campaign to get WindowsCE installed on all all OLPCs will result in such a monstrous gap between the Haves and Have Nots, that the Lord will be required to punish the arrogance of the Gentile nations and bring about the Day of Wrath a few decades earlier and cut it the Tribulations from 7 years to 7 days. The ensuing Millennium will be OpenSource and GPL compliant, endorsed by Richard Stallman.
Dear Tracy:
Having been alerted to your double posted tremor in the force we have come to the conclusion you have been using some of the products we sold you in an ill advised manor. As you may have noticed in the fifteen page addendum which accompanied your receipt, we cannot be held responsible for off-label use of products purchased in our cavernous three-acre warehouse store.
Frankly, the fact that you made it to the checkout line with your three little red-headed terrorists in tow astounds us. After a review of the closed-circuit video footage from the store in question, we believe you may have entered the store with four small red headed terrorists. Are you sure you left the building with everyone you came in with? The thought of a wayward child left in our store terrifies us. Bear in mind we’re not worried about the child, only about the catastrophic damage said child may inflict on our store. We read your blog. We know what your children are capable of.
In regards to your complaint about the $4 towels: These towels were meant to be used for decorative purposes only - hence the cheap price tag. Towels capable of actually drying human flesh cost a bit more. Cheap towels designed to survive an actual wash/dry cycle can be found in the hardware aisle. Granted, towels from that department might actually remove flesh from bone, but every bargain has its price.
Tracy, we’re very concerned about the ill will you hold towards us and our capitalistic megalopolic enterprise. We only want to provide a valuable service at a cut-rate price. In an effort to assuage your antagonistic feelings toward our effort to take over the world one small market at a time, we are sending you a free gift! It will arrive via registered US mail (not insured – we’re cheap) at your residence in the next day or so.
Simply take the item out of its protective cover, look into the red light, and press the button on the right side.
We promise your feelings toward us will be much better afterwards. The unit has been pre-programmed for you. Please do not adjust the settings and do not use on your children or husband as they might not remember you afterwards. As with all other products, we are not responsible for off-label use.
Remember, look directly into the red light. We’ll be seeing you soon.
Warm Holiday Wishes,
Voldemart
PS. You did leave the store with all your little red-headed terrorists, right?
In the spirit of Rebecca's fMh Advent Calendar, we not so humbly submit to you:
On the twelve days of Christmas,
FMH sent to me:
Twelve someones doing something,
Eleven whiners whining,
Ten piles of poopy,
Nine ladies wanking,
Eight maids lactating,
Seven moms homeschooling,
Six book reviews,
Five Nuva rings,
Four angry rants,
Three sexist bases,
Two frustrated VLs,
And I can’t stand idiots today rage!
Symbolism of The Twelve Days of fMhmas:
1 If you don't agree with fMhLisa's irrational take on life and blogging then you clearly are an idiot, because she is the one who immasculated Adam Greenwood and she will do it to you too
2 Guest posts sent in by extremely sexually frustrated women who have never had their two virgin lips kisses
3 The insightful realization that sex is just a game and analogies should be taken to literal extremes to prove your point, like the three bases
4 Angry ranting all four seasons of the year is the whole reason FMH exists
5 NuvaRing, five times better than the pill because you only deal with it once every four weeks
6 You can read FMH Book Group books six days a week, but not on Sunday, because that would violate the Sabbath
7 The homeschooled kids are trapped at home seven days a week, wishing mom would get off the computer and pay attention to them
8 The number of inches their bra size increases
9 We all know 90% of people wank, and the other 10% are liars, only FMH is honest enough to encourage the girls to start their journey of self-discovery
10 The poop chronicles are about as good as Bo Derek's plastic surgery
11 Their Complain knob "goes to 11"
12 The number of hours in "Day in the Life" posts that have to be selectively edited, omitting and embellishing when necessary
Oh, poor Don. He'll happily party with his friends, but not with the people that make it possible for him to earn a living. Hot tip: If you ignore your employees, they will go away.
Look on the bright side, Don. At least you don't have to pay for an open bar at the El Cheaparoo Theatre Holiday Party and worry about an after-party DWI driving your insurance premiums through the roof.
In the continuing saga of their quest to improve the lives of Mormon Men everywhere, the Snarkernacle's roving reporters bring you an excerpt from the Winter Meeting of the 'Nacle's men's section - The Mo-Men!
