Kage's bags are packed, she's ready to go,
She's standin' outside the kids' door,
She hates to wake them up and drag them along...

But the clock is tickin', it's time to go,
Gate check the stroller and small bags stow,
Already she's so tired... she could die.
(oh, she could die!)


(chorus)

So be-have and smile for mom,
Don't make jokes about a bomb,
No juice now so you won't "have to go"...

'Cause Kage's leaving on a jet plane,
I don't know when she'll be sane again.
Oh, Kage, we feel your pain...


Curb check the bags, don't forget the tip,
Most airlines charge 2 bucks--a rip,
Skycaps get stiffed and your bags go to Rome.

Every place she goes, there in Utah,
She'll pack carseats to obey the law,
When she comes back she'll never leave her home...
(oh, ne'er leave home..)


(chorus)

So be-have and smile for mom,
Don't make jokes about a bomb,
No juice now so you won't "have to go"...

'Cause Kage's leaving--on a jet plane!
I don't know when she'll be sane again.
Oh, Kage... we feel your pain...

As the T&S Permabore crowd has returned to the seemingly endless debate on the Word of Wisdom, I came upon a super-secret sealed portion of the Church Handbook of Instructions. Skillfully removing the sealing band with my new and improved Leatherman tool, I came across a shocking addendum to the Word of Wisdom.

After a number of years, Bishops may come to find the afternoon sessions with members seeking confessional, counsel, or simply a sounding board upon which to unload their troubles and opinions to be quite unbearable. It is with this in mind that an exception to the Word of Wisdom has been made.

Bishops may, at their discretion, prior to the first of the aforementioned afternoon sessions, imbibe a maximum of two "shots" of any of the below listed spirits:

• Jack Daniels

• Johnny Walker (Red or Black Label)

• Jim Beam

It is hoped this exception will enable Bishops to more effectively endure the burdens of their office.

Wow. You learn something new every day.

Fathers’ Day is this Sunday, and we're wondering where the bloggernacle fathers are. So what if the scriptures and our prophets tell us that children and family life are pretty much the main reasons why we’re here on this earth, it is pretty obvious most men bloggers don't think one iota about their kids.

Perhaps these are some reasons for the relative silence on the subject:

1. My life is all about me, I blog about me, I am important, my children are ontologically irrelevant.

2. Your children do not make interesting subjects for blogging.

3. My wife blogs about the children, I don’t have anything to add.

4. I don’t have children...yet.

5. I do blog about my children, but nobody reads my blog, so its the same as not blogging on my children.

File under: Covers

Watching Pixar
I feel safest of all
It won't hurt my kid's ears
It's the only way to blog
In cars

Here in my car
I can only receive
I can listen to you
Don't have to post for two days
In cars

Here in my car
Who says my image breaks down
Will you comment lots please?
Yes, its a crosspost
On cars

Here in my blog
I only wish I could think
of something original
Although nothing seems right
Only cars

Dazzle and Shizzle recently returned from the film set of a new Bloggernacle advertisement. We noted two Nacle stalwarts starring in the clandestine meeting of... the Mo-Men!

Steve Young: Welcome everyone, to the Mo-Man Law discussion group. Ricky, care to read the minutes from our last meeting?

Ricky Schroder: Unanimously approved Mo-Man law #452, stating "After a child's head strikes the chapel pew, fathers must remove the child from the chapel prior to the child's second breath inhalation."

Young: Thanks, Ricky. I'd like to welcome our newest member, Nevada's Senator Harry Reid.

Harry Reid: Do ya feel lucky, punks?

Young: Easy there, Senator... You're in the club. No need to impress anyone.

Reid: Thanks, fellas.

Young: It's always nice to have a prominent politician amongst our ranks.

Reid: It's my pleasure.

Young: Uh, I was referring to Governor Huntsman.

Reid: ...

Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Anyone got change for a million? I want to get a Caffeine Free Diet Coke from the machine downstairs.

Reid: Brethren, we need to speak about a matter of utmost importance. Something that affects every Brother in this country, and in fact, much of the world. It's an undue hardship to be borne thanks to the penny-pinching member among us. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Ken Jennings: What are "Elders Quorum members moving a piano?" I'd like "Back Pain Remedies" for $500, Alex.

Michael McLean: Spoken like a true Elders Quorum president. If you can afford a piano, you can afford to pay someone to move it for you. It's unthinkable to have another man move your piano.

Rulon Gardner: Pianos ain't so bad. You guys are a bunch of soft wimps! Once you get them up on your back they're easy to move.

DKL: I hate those @$!*&% pianos.

Stephen R. Covey: Well put, DKL. I'm tired of moving other peoples' *@(!^%!%$ pianos, too.

Larry H. Miller: Pianos are the first thing loaded on the van, so the last thing to come off. You spend all day moving someone's crap into their house, and just when you're exhausted, you uncover the @$!*&% piano they didn't tell you about.

Jennings: What is, "Oops, didn't I tell you about the piano?" I'd like "Mormons are Cheapskates" for $800.

Donny Osmond: I propose a Mo-Man law. The "@(*%&!$* Piano Disclosure Law".

Young: Proposed Mo-Man law #453, "@(*%&!$* Piano Disclosure Law of 2006". Members requesting priesthood assistance to move must disclose any @(*%&!$* pianos they own. Legal counsel? I should note that Nate, the Mo-Man Chief Legal Counsel, was unable to make this meeting due to his new pointy-headed academic status.

Steve Evans: I think we need to clearly define what constitutes a "@(*%&!$* piano". Pianos should not be left to chance. Perhaps any musical instrument weighing over 50 pounds, or having a mean weight density greater than a #45 pail of cracked red wheat.

Young: So amended. All in favor?

Covey: I'll drink an IBC to that! Pass 'em around, gentlemen. Ricky, what's on the agenda for our next meeting?

Schroder: The next meeting shall address the concern "Does having the guys over to watch the BYU game count as a home teaching visit?"

Young: Thank you, brethren, for your work. This meeting is adjourned.

In the tradition of pummeling, kicking, smacking, and otherwise beating the dead horse subject of polygamy, FMHer Rebecca trots out the example of FMH's third most despised Apostle in order to make her point about the inequality inherent in the system.

I don't know about you, but a petition for the "removal" of an Apostle signed by a grand total of 142 people - including Usama bin Laden and Belezebub - is quite comical. I'm sure the site's owner was grateful for the FMH plug.

Then, of course, come the comments. The Apostle in question recently remarried - in the Temple (thus drawing the ire of the FMH community) - after the death of his first wife. I thought one of the tenets of true feminism was the requirement to judge women by their accomplishments, intellect, and social graces rather than age and appearance.

One of the highlights of the "discussion" was this gem:

Also, I was more disturbed by the relative youth of Elder Nelson's new wife than by his polygamy. Does anyone know if this is a recent picture? She looks young enough to be his daughter.

Well, there's a woman who truly *judges* people she's never met based solely on a picture. True feminism.

Then, true to form, other FMH peanut gallery regulars stand, grab the nearest rock, and proceed to criticize this woman's written work despite the fact few if any have actually read what she wrote.

Yep, this is true compassion and tolerance on parade.

Since BYU is out of session, Daniel Peterson, occasional Naccler, is bored and trolling for fun. So he hops onto google and site searches his name to turn up a thread that is over a year old and takes a hyper-literal approach to something obviously tongue in cheek in order to stir up some trouble. Then he hops on over onto to a more recent thread to share the love by resurrecting it too after three days in the tomb, firing all rockets on full. How nice. Ah, those out-of-work, apologists got to keep the saw sharp somehow when the anti-mormons aren't biting.